the bucket list

Did everyone else know what this movie was about when they heard the title? I did not, but Monday night I was out to dinner with Nicole and Brian, and Brian claimed that he knew right away. Whether or not he's lying is immaterial. Evidently, the Morgan Freeman-Jack Nicholson vehicle is based on the premise that most people have certain things that they want to accomplish before they die. At first, I didn't think this was the case--at least not for me. I'd like to be able to take more naps, but that's not really bucket list material. I mean, I'm mostly happy with things the way they are. But then I started thinking about it, and I guess there are some things I would like to do before I "kick the bucket." Here they are:

1. Cross over a railroad track a split second before the train passes while the cops are chasing me so they're stuck on the other side while I run to safety.

2. Soak a gunshot wound in tequila before ripping the bullet out with my teeth.

3. Jump into a cab and yell, "Follow that car!"

4. Dejectedly order a whiskey and tell the bartender to "leave the bottle."

5. Cut the green wire just as the timer hits 00:01.

6. Shoot a bad guy in the back just as he's about to kill my partner so that the bad guy falls to reveal me standing there, gun in hand.

7. Run into an area marked "Restricted Access" in pursuit of a criminal as the security guard wheels around and yells, "Hey, you can't..."

8. Prop a chair up beneath the doorknob of the room I'm in to prevent my pursuer from entering.

9. Wipe my prints off a gun and plant it in a dead guy's hand.

10. Lean out the door of a helicopter as it flies away and wave arrogantly at my pursuer.

11. Pull a fake mustache off a guy at a dinner party.

12. Tell someone that "the jig is up."

13. Get thrown out of a casino.

14. Swerve through traffic while firing a pistol at the car behind me.

15. Fall on a grenade to protect the young cadet with the pregnant wife at home.

16. Climb a rope ladder while holding my knife in my teeth.

17. Use a credit card to unlock a room that I'm not supposed to be in.

18. Open a briefcase to reveal rubberbanded stacks of $100's.

19. Have someone call me a "maverick," a "rogue," or a "cowboy." (And possibly add that I'm "going to get someone killed.")

20. Plot to take down the evil, scheming warden at the maximum-security prison where I am being wrongfully held.

21. Threaten a guy in a gym who's on the benchpress by forcing the bar down into his windpipe and telling him that he's "messing with the wrong guy."

22. Shuffle my chair back to the gas stovetop in order to burn through the ropes that are keeping my hands behind my back.

23. Listen to a vague answering machine message from a loved one that's in trouble, then say "Oh my God!" and run out the door with no explanation.

24. Put a cigarette out on my archenemy's chest.

25. Use my dying breath to tell a friend the name of my murderer.

I hope I'm not copying the movie. Did they use a lot of those? I didn't see it.

Later gators.

top 10 youtube links

Time for another Top 10 list. I've been compiling this for a while, and I think I've finally got a solid list (even though it's hard to ever call it complete because there's new stuff going up every minute). Now, there are kids that I see every day in class that can't imagine a world in which you do not have access to the Internet, but I can't imagine a day when I won't be amazed at this technology. Right? I mean, when's the last time you ran into a problem that couldn't be solved on your computer? Need directions? Not sure where you've seen the dad from Juno before? Want to tell a mother that her son or daughter is going to fail your class without listening to her yell at you? Done and done. And perhaps the crowning achievement of the Internet: YouTube.

So first, a few links that didn't quite make the top 10

HONORABLE MENTION: Muffins, Blake Lewis on American Idol, Matt Damon's Matthew McConaughey Impression, Norm!, Jamie Foxx Roasting Doug Williams Roasting Shaq, 2-Year-Old Tiger, Willie and "The Rainbow Connection", Windows Music, Dorm Room Golf, Honda Commercial

And now for the Top 10 YouTube Clips of All-Time:

10. Cliff on Jeopardy!. I reference this episode of Cheers all the time. Cliff, the know-it-all mailman, builds up a small fortune on his "dream board" (including categories like "Civil Servants" and "Beer"), then blows it in Final Jeopardy. Always sparks an interesting conversation about what would be on your "dream board."

A mailman, Cliff Clavin.

9. "A Better Version of You". A two-man band called Paul & Storm with a dedication to all the first-borns out there. I sometimes sing this one to Charlie at night. Very sweet. (Incidentally, the song doesn't start until the 1:35 mark.)

Maybe this new person won't wet the bed or bug us for candy and toys.

8. The Heaven v. Hell Baseball Game. A clip from the Bob & Tom Show. Honestly, the video part's not that great, but Dan St. Paul's version of the first baseball game ever played is hysterical. (Sara hates how Bob and Tom laugh in the background, but I'm sure it won't bother anyone else. Maybe Stacy.)

Making the roadtrip from hell today are 22 former members of the Islamic terrorist al Qaeda network, and boy do they look surprised!

7. Pachelbel Rant. This is Rob Paravonian, who seems to be a pretty funny guy. Your loser band friends from high school will think it's even funnier than you do.

I don't even go to Taco Bell anymore because it's too close.

6. Caddyshack in a Minute. Another Sara-pleaser. Just kidding. Anyway, a 60-second tribute to the funniest movie of all time. Great stuff.

How about a Fresca?

5. Paris Hilton on Late Night with David Letterman. I'm just now realizing how much Sara is going to hate this list. She hates this particular clip because she thinks that Dave is being mean to Paris, which is precisely why everyone else is going to love it.

What is it you did? Do you know what you did?

4. The Evolution of Dance. Evidently, this is the most viewed clip in YouTube history. So there you go.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

3. The Human Camera. Nothing makes a great YouTube clip like an autistic guy. Not funny, but definitely the most impressive clip on the list.

Stephen Wiltshire has been called "The Human Camera"...

2. Blake. Are you still reading this, dear? This is the movie that I love the most that Sara hates the most: Glengarry Glen Ross. It's based on a Mamet play, but this scene was written specifically for the movie. Alec Baldwin should get a lifetime achievement award for supporting acting.

Put that coffee down.

1. The 90210 Twins. These guys are called the 90210 twins because of this clip, but the one I'm putting on the list is their rendition of the Full House theme. They've got some other great ones too (Mr. Belvidere, Perfect Strangers). Enjoy.

What ever happened to predictability?

Wasn't that a terrific list? I'm quite proud. How much time did you waste? Lots, I bet.

Later gators.

by the way, we'll be 50

So as you probably know, I'm a big fan of games. Sports, boardgames, roadtrip games--any kind of game, really. And I came up with a great one the other night at Noodles & Company with Sara and Charlie. Here's the premise: Imagine Charlie and his friends in 25 years (so basically, when they're our age). What will their favorite movies be? Their favorite songs? Their favorite soups? Now, on this particular night, we used Charlie and his four closest friends in Woodstock: Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena. For example:

If Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena were going out for dinner, what would they eat?
The answer to this one is pretty obvious. Siena would have something fancy like Safron Risotto with Cerignola Olives. Katelyn would get a house salad with the dressing on the side. Hunter would get Italian Three-Cheese Macaroni. And Charlie and Grace would split a plate of wings. No brainer.

If Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena wanted to rent a movie, what would they want to rent?
Siena would opt for some foreign film with subtitles. Katelyn would go for a romantic comedy--possibly Sleepless in Seattle. Hunter will be a Harry Potter fan, so he'll vote for a Harry Potter marathon. Knowing her background, I'm going with Sideways for Grace. And Charlie will be a Caddyshack guy.

If Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena were going to a concert, what concert would they want to go to?
Siena: Joni Mitchell. Katelyn: I say Justin Timberlake; my wife says Third Day. Hunter: the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Grace: Bon Jovi. Charlie: Uncle Sam!

What colleges or universities will Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena attend?
Siena and Katelyn will be roommates at Princeton. Hunter will go to U of I (obviously). Grace will bypass college to join the Joffrey Ballet. Charlie will go to ECC, and there's nothing wrong with that.

What will Charlie, Grace, Hunter, Katelyn, and Siena do for a living?
Siena will be the President. Katelyn will be the new host of Divine Design on HGTV. Hunter will direct the Boys and Girls Choir of Harlem. Grace will be a CEO with a Fortune 500 company. And Charlie will teach high school social studies and coach basketball. And I bet he'll be awesome at it.

Later gators.

the dangers of church league volleyball

On Monday night, I witnessed the third-worst injury that I've seen in person. You see, I play on the First Presbyterian volleyball team in a local church league on Monday nights. Last year, we won the whole league. You might have read about it in the papers. Anyway, this past Monday we played St. Mary's First Congregational Lutheran Bible Church or some crazy thing like that, and we lost the first game then rebounded to win the second. About halfway through the third game, a friendly guy from SMFCLBC dove for a ball and, as he hit the ground, howled in pain. I was in the back row, so I couldn't see what happened, but as the players in our front row began to shield their eyes and turn away, I was able to get a better look, and it turns out that his right shoulder was dislocated. I don't know if you've ever had this injury (or seen someone with it), but imagine that your shoulder dropped down six inches so your arm started in the middle of your rib cage and dangled from silly putty that was connected to your collarbone. That's what it looks like. The guy was pretty tough about it. A teammate put his coat over the guy's shoulders and walked him out to his car so he could drive the guy to the hospital, and the guy just kept saying that he wished someone could just pop it back in. (As you might imagine, no one felt too comfortable doing that.) So that's the third-worst injury I've ever seen in person.

In April of 2005, I witnessed the second-worst injury that I've seen in person. It was my first year coaching the varsity baseball team here at Big Foot, and Anders Ericson was playing right field for me. Anders was a hard-working kid that ran faster than anyone else we had that year. We were at Clinton, and I was standing in front of the dugout on the first-base side when one of the Cougars hit a fly ball into foul territory directly down the fenceline from me. Anders took off after the ball at about a hundred miles per hour. Now, Clinton's field has a warning track, which is a (roughly) 10-foot strip of dirt between the grass playing area and the fence. The warning track is designed to warn players that they are approaching the fence. Had I given that two-sentence explanation to my players before the game, Anders might have kept his teeth. Unfortunately, the warning track didn't slow Anders down a bit and he plowed face-first into the chain-link fence. (If you go to Clinton today, you'll still see an Anders-shaped dent in the fence. Seriously.) Anyway, he fell back and rolled over so that he was on all fours, and I sprinted down the line toward him. When I got there, I saw a pool of blood under his face, and he kept saying, "My teeth! My teeth!" Turns out that three teeth had been knocked out, his tongue and face had several lacerations, he had chipped his jawbone, and he had broken his nose. We found a couple of the teeth (which were a lot longer than you'd think--evidently, they didn't break but came out whole), but they couldn't get them back in, from what I understand. Once we got Anders calmed down, his first question was, "Did I catch it?" He did not. The ambulance came, and Anders met his mom at the hospital. (She was--fortunately, I think--at his sister's game at the time.) We went on to win the game, and Anders got Honorable Mention All-Conference. And that was the second-worst injury I've ever seen in person.

When I was in fifth grade, I saw the worst injury that I've seen in person. Jamie Ditzenberger played basketball for my dad's freshman team that year, and I was the manager. Now, Jamie wasn't tall--maybe 5'9--but he was a skateboarder, so his legs were really muscular. As a result, he could jump. In fact, he would jump up and grab the rim on his way out of practice each night. So one night I was shooting around while I waited for my dad, and Jamie was walking out of the gym. As per his usual routine, he took a couple of steps and jumped. He did not make it to the rim. In fact, he barely left the ground before he fell to the floor, clutching his knee. Someone ran in and got my dad. He pulled down Jamie's pantleg and I saw an image that I still see in nightmares. Apparently, skateboarding builds your quads up pretty well, but it doesn't do as good a job with your hamstrings. So the muscles pulling up on his kneecap were a lot stronger than the ones pulling back. When he jumped, those well-developed quads yanked his kneecap up into what would have been his pocket if he were wearing jeans or khakis. And you could see the lump right there below his hip. Worse--maybe--was the place where his knee was supposed to be, which was now sort of Jello-y. I didn't see how things played out, but I was later told that when the paramedics showed up, the just had to push the kneecap back down into place. There was, I am told, a lot of screaming. And that's the worst injury I've ever seen in person.

Later gators.

the moment of truth is awesome

Holy crap. Have you watched this show? I am recalibrating my perception of television based on three episodes. Here's the premise: Some schmuck gets hooked up to a lie detector and answers a bunch of questions, which get increasingly personal as the show goes on. If the person answers truthfully, then he or she wins money. One false answer and you're done. It's like Truth or Dare with no dares, super-creative questions, and people you don't know so you don't feel awkward when they have to tell the world whether they would feed a stray dog before they would feed a homeless person, or if they think their parents are proud of them.

Now, those last two came up in last night's episode, which I watched online this morning, and she said yes to the first and no to the second. (Evidently, a lot of people agree with the dog-before-homeless-person answer. I do not, but that's probably because I don't like animals.) But those were lame $25,000 questions or something. The real drama began when they started asking questions about her husband, who, by the way, was there watching. (They always put your parents/spouse/siblings/etc. there on stage to make it even more uncomfortable--and in an interesting twist, those people can push a button if they hear a question that they don't want the answer to and Mark will give the contestant another question.) And incidentally, the husband is a cop. For example:

Have you ever pretended to be asleep to avoid having sex with your husband?
ANSWER: Yes.

Do you blame your husband for you lack of close friends?
ANSWER: Yes. (!)

Have you ever taken off your wedding ring to appear as if you were single?
ANSWER: Yes. (!!)

Do you believe you might have been in love with a former boyfriend on your wedding day?
ANSWER: Yes. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And the lie detector said that these were all true answers. So THEN (I'm using caps because I don't feel like regular old italics are getting the drama across anymore), her EX-BOYFRIEND comes out to ask some questions:

If I wanted to get back together with you, would you leave your husband?
ANSWER: There was no answer because after her husband said that he didn't want to push the button because he wanted to hear the answer, her sister jumped up and pushed it!

So the ex-boyfriend asks a different question:

Do you believe that I am the man you should be married to?
ANSWER: Yes. (I thought this was a dirty trick, by the way--pretty much just rephrasing the question that the sister had nixed.)

So now the boyfriend leaves and she's at $200,000, so she can go home if she wants, BUT SHE DECIDES TO KEEP GOING! Next question:

Since you have been married, have you ever had sexual relations with someone other than your husband?
ANSWER: Yes. (This does bring up one weak point of the show--you don't get any details. I don't know how you could manage it, but you're sometimes curious why they answer the way they do.)

And then, just when you don't think you can handle anymore:

Do you think you're a good person?
ANSWER: "Honestly, I think I am a good person."

And the lie detector says, "That answer is...false." AND SHE LOSES ALL THE MONEY!!! Not because she's a bad person (which it kind of seems like she is), but because she secretly THINKS she's a bad person!

There is a lot of contrived drama on television, and maybe this is an example of it, but I'll admit that I'm hooked. I mean, I'm only human.

Later gators.