I just thought of another way that I'm closer to my Wii age than I am to my real age: I listen to sports talk radio. And this morning on Mike & Mike, they were talking about fan behavior. First, 3 true stories about reprehensible fan behavior:
1) Steve Phillips used to be the General Manager for the New York Mets. After a loss during a particularly bad season, he was walking from the stadium to his car, holding his infant child in his arms, when a drunk fan approached him and started berating him in the parking lot. According to Phillips, he told the guy, "Look, you can say whatever you want. Just let me put my kid in the car first."
2) Steve Kerr played basketball for the University of Arizona before enjoying a successful career as a professional player. During his freshman year at U of A, his father--Dr. Malcolm Kerr, the president of American University in Beirut--was murdered by Islamic terrorists. Soon after, during a game at Arizona State, the ASU student body began chanting, "P.L.O.! P.L.O.!" (P.L.O. refers to the Palestine Liberation Organization, the terrorist group believed to be responsible for Kerr's assassination.)
3) Kevin Love played center for UCLA this year; he is a native of Oregon. When UCLA went to Eugene to play the Ducks, fans that felt Love had betrayed them by not going to Oregon called and left death threats on his voice mail (one example: "We'll find your hotel room and blow your f---ing head off with a shotgun"). Not only that, but at the game, fans taunted Love's family--including his mother, his grandmother, and his 13-year-old sister--with what Love's father called "every filthy word you can think of."
So the question on Mike & Mike this morning was basically why the hell do people act this way? I mean, those are all insane examples, but I could give you a dozen more without really even thinking too hard about it. Mike, Mike, and all of their listeners had a lot of thoughts, but here are the three that occurred to me:
1) One emailer suggested that fans yelling at players is no different than a coach doing it. I think any rational person realizes that that's a ludicrous suggestion, but I think it really gets to the root of the problem: These people want to feel like they have some kind of impact on the game. They honestly don't believe they're any different from a coach. Kevin Love had a monster game and UCLA beat Oregon, but you can bet that if Oregon had pulled off the upset, those dopes in the stands would have gone home and had a beer to celebrate how they "got in his head" and helped their team to a victory. This brings me to #2...
2) As much as the people in the stands want to pretend that the game is about the fans and the players somehow owe the fans something, it ain't true. If every professional sports league in the world somehow dissolved today, the players would still get together on some asphalt basketball court or some open field somewhere and play. They wouldn't feel like it was somehow less meaningful because there was no one there to watch them. The game is about the players. (Or perhaps more accurately, the game is about the game.)
3) I obviously don't deal with this stuff on the same level that professional (or even college) athletes and coaches do, but whenever a parent calls or emails or approaches me after a game to let me know that I'm not doing my job as well as I could be, I remember my favorite Al McGuire quote. McGuire coached Marquette basketball to their only national championship back in 1977. Once, when asked about fans who got after him before, during, and after games, he said, "Every obnoxious fan has a wife at home who dominates him." That always makes me feel better.
Later gators.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
the 2,000 year old man
I played baseball for Ripon College; I was a pitcher. And even though I didn't get a lot of what you would call "game action," Coach would occasionally put me out there. This typically happened when we were down by at least 10 runs. They called me "The White Flag." Anyway, I recall that when I pitched, I would usually wake up the next morning and feel some pain in my elbow and/or shoulder. This is typical for pitchers--it's why you see Major Leaguers wrapping half a dozen bags of ice around their arms after a start. Now, I am currently a baseball coach, and one of the requirements of that job is that I throw a lot of batting practice. These days, I never feel any pain. My arm, at this stage of my career, is for all intents and purposes made of rubber. I can throw 200 pitches one night and not feel a thing the next day. However, on Saturday night, I had my first experience with a Nintendo Wii. At a friend's daughter's birthday party, we broke it out and boxed and bowled, played tennis, baseball, and golf. Two days later, my arms still feels like it's hanging by a thread.
Now, some might suggest that it is the Wii experience that indicates that I'm getting old. It's not true. When you use muscles, they're supposed to get sore. The pain I feel from Saturday night reminds me of the pain I used to feel in college, which makes me feel like I'm still roughly college-age. It's the lack of pain after batting practice that makes me feel like my dad. And these kinds of paradoxes, which are becoming increasingly common, have me wondering how old I really am. I mean, my birth certificate says I'm 27, but I know a lot of 27-year-olds (some, at least), and I think I'm older than they are. Maybe I'm like the reverse one of those Cuban refugees who gets drafted into the Major Leagues but won't tell anyone his real age. I tell everyone I'm 27, but I'm wrong--I just don't know it.
According to the Kerstens' Wii, I'm 45, and that sounds much more accurate. Evidence:
1) I have had the same grown-up job for 5 years.
2) I have been married for almost 5 years.
3) I am in the process of selling a home and...
4) ...building a new home.
5) I have a 2-year-old.
6) TBA.
7) I complain about my knees and my back a lot.
8) I run like the guys I used to laugh at when I was in high school--sort of a hobble-jog.
9) I wear ties.
10) I have a tax-sheltered annuity.
11) I'm thinking about getting a physical, and it doesn't have anything to do with organized sports. I just want to make sure everything is doing what it's supposed to be doing.
12) I watch HGTV and the Food Network. A lot.
13) I teach Sunday School.
14) I went to a party on Saturday night, but it involved singing "Happy Birthday" and a playing with a Playskool basketball hoop. Plus my son ate half of my cheeseburger.
Does that sound like a 27-year-old to you? Should that list include things like "I buy my clothes at Urban Outfitters," or "I just got a sweet new plasma TV for my apartment"?
Still, with the possible exception of my knee problems (I think we're basically just talking about bone-on-bone down there) and my infuriating back (someday soon I don't think I'll be able to get out of the car without help), I wouldn't trade any of it. My kid, my wife, my job--they're all awesome. And Saturday night's party was way more fun than standing in some club screaming over the techno music. Heck, they even had cake. And not to sound like an old man, but real estate is always a good investment, and it's really a buyer's market.
Later gators.
Now, some might suggest that it is the Wii experience that indicates that I'm getting old. It's not true. When you use muscles, they're supposed to get sore. The pain I feel from Saturday night reminds me of the pain I used to feel in college, which makes me feel like I'm still roughly college-age. It's the lack of pain after batting practice that makes me feel like my dad. And these kinds of paradoxes, which are becoming increasingly common, have me wondering how old I really am. I mean, my birth certificate says I'm 27, but I know a lot of 27-year-olds (some, at least), and I think I'm older than they are. Maybe I'm like the reverse one of those Cuban refugees who gets drafted into the Major Leagues but won't tell anyone his real age. I tell everyone I'm 27, but I'm wrong--I just don't know it.
According to the Kerstens' Wii, I'm 45, and that sounds much more accurate. Evidence:
1) I have had the same grown-up job for 5 years.
2) I have been married for almost 5 years.
3) I am in the process of selling a home and...
4) ...building a new home.
5) I have a 2-year-old.
6) TBA.
7) I complain about my knees and my back a lot.
8) I run like the guys I used to laugh at when I was in high school--sort of a hobble-jog.
9) I wear ties.
10) I have a tax-sheltered annuity.
11) I'm thinking about getting a physical, and it doesn't have anything to do with organized sports. I just want to make sure everything is doing what it's supposed to be doing.
12) I watch HGTV and the Food Network. A lot.
13) I teach Sunday School.
14) I went to a party on Saturday night, but it involved singing "Happy Birthday" and a playing with a Playskool basketball hoop. Plus my son ate half of my cheeseburger.
Does that sound like a 27-year-old to you? Should that list include things like "I buy my clothes at Urban Outfitters," or "I just got a sweet new plasma TV for my apartment"?
Still, with the possible exception of my knee problems (I think we're basically just talking about bone-on-bone down there) and my infuriating back (someday soon I don't think I'll be able to get out of the car without help), I wouldn't trade any of it. My kid, my wife, my job--they're all awesome. And Saturday night's party was way more fun than standing in some club screaming over the techno music. Heck, they even had cake. And not to sound like an old man, but real estate is always a good investment, and it's really a buyer's market.
Later gators.
Friday, April 4, 2008
tagged
Hey, hey! I'm back! And I've been tagged. My buddy Kelly Smith--you probably know her from The Ben Show--has tagged me, which means that I have to make a bunch of Top 5 lists, which you know I love.
First, the rules (and oddly, only two of them...why not five?):
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know they've been tagged and to ask them to play along and to read your blog. (This may not happen--I'm not an avid reader of other blogs.)
what i was doing ten years ago...
1. Preparing to graduate from dear old Big Foot High. (I would also have accepted "dreading going to college.")
2. Skipping a spring break trip to NYC with our choir so I could stay home and play Palmyra-Eagle in a double-header.
3. Acing the writing portion of the AP English test.
4. Failing miserably on the macroeconomics portion of the AP Economics test.
5. Thinking that I was someday going to be a lawyer.
five things on my to-do list today...
NOTE: Kelly put "Gotta watch the American Idol results show." Are you kidding me? That's on your to-do list? Anyway...
1. Paint the basement floor is on there, but it's crossed off because I just did it. Nice work, Baker.
2. Touch up the paint on the outside windows.
3. Move a bunch of stuff to the storage unit.
4. Clean the bathroom.
5. Clean out the refrigerator.
NOTE: Now, that's what a to-do list looks like, Smith.
five snacks i enjoy...
1. Cookie Dough Concrete Malt (courtesy of Culver's).
2. Pita chips & hummus. (Next time you see me, ask me about a funny story about Charlie and hummus.)
3. Sahale snacks. (You must check these out.)
4. Almond Snickers.
5. Triscuits with cheddar cheese.
five things i would do if i was a billionaire...
1. I too would pay off debts. Student loans, mortgage, etc.
2. I also like Kelly's idea to start a college fund for all of the kids in our family. Excellent work. Were you inspired by Idol Gives Back? Good thing it was on your to-do list.
3. Write a book.
4. Finance the next phase in our church's building plan. (NOTE: I wouldn't demand it, but if they wanted to name it First Presbyterian Church of Alex Baker, I would be okay with that.)
5. Donate to all of the charities that Kelly mentioned because it sounds like she would be quite angry if I did not. (NOTE: For more on sending nets to Africa, read this article by Rick Reilly. Pretty interesting.)
five of my bad habits....
1. I watch The Moment of Truth. (Did you see the interview with the lady who thinks she's a bad person?! The show totally destroyed her marriage. Check it out.)
2. I'm impatient.
3. I like fast food too much. Specifically, Taco Bell.
4. I also spend too much time watching TV when I could be doing more productive things with my time. When Charlie goes down for the night, I can't motivate myself to do anything.
5. I have a hard time saying no, so sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.
five places i have lived....
1. Walworth, WI (born and raised).
2. Ripon, WI (in college).
3. Oshkosh, WI (with Rand and Vicki Erickson while I was student teaching).
4. Appleton, WI (in an apartment while I was long-term subbing at Neenah).
5. Woodstock, IL (now and for the last five years or so).
five jobs i've had....
1. Caddy, Big Foot Country Club. If I'd been older, this could have been a fun job, but I was too immature to be a part of the workforce.
2. Doer of random things, Heyer True Value Hardware. I cleaned things. I organized things. I stocked things. I put things together.
3. Produce department, Sentry. I hated this job. I had surgery on my back halfway through that summer, and I never went back.
4. Intern, Walworth Times. Probably the best non-teaching job I've had. Teri, my editor, was awesome. I think that if I wasn't a teacher, I'd write for a newspaper.
5. Writer, College Relations, Ripon College. I did this all through college. This was also a great job. Fun work and terrific people.
This is where I'm supposed to tag other blogs, but like I said, I don't read any other blogs except Kelly's. Who has the time? I guess I'll have to put it on my to-do list.
Later gators.
First, the rules (and oddly, only two of them...why not five?):
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know they've been tagged and to ask them to play along and to read your blog. (This may not happen--I'm not an avid reader of other blogs.)
what i was doing ten years ago...
1. Preparing to graduate from dear old Big Foot High. (I would also have accepted "dreading going to college.")
2. Skipping a spring break trip to NYC with our choir so I could stay home and play Palmyra-Eagle in a double-header.
3. Acing the writing portion of the AP English test.
4. Failing miserably on the macroeconomics portion of the AP Economics test.
5. Thinking that I was someday going to be a lawyer.
five things on my to-do list today...
NOTE: Kelly put "Gotta watch the American Idol results show." Are you kidding me? That's on your to-do list? Anyway...
1. Paint the basement floor is on there, but it's crossed off because I just did it. Nice work, Baker.
2. Touch up the paint on the outside windows.
3. Move a bunch of stuff to the storage unit.
4. Clean the bathroom.
5. Clean out the refrigerator.
NOTE: Now, that's what a to-do list looks like, Smith.
five snacks i enjoy...
1. Cookie Dough Concrete Malt (courtesy of Culver's).
2. Pita chips & hummus. (Next time you see me, ask me about a funny story about Charlie and hummus.)
3. Sahale snacks. (You must check these out.)
4. Almond Snickers.
5. Triscuits with cheddar cheese.
five things i would do if i was a billionaire...
1. I too would pay off debts. Student loans, mortgage, etc.
2. I also like Kelly's idea to start a college fund for all of the kids in our family. Excellent work. Were you inspired by Idol Gives Back? Good thing it was on your to-do list.
3. Write a book.
4. Finance the next phase in our church's building plan. (NOTE: I wouldn't demand it, but if they wanted to name it First Presbyterian Church of Alex Baker, I would be okay with that.)
5. Donate to all of the charities that Kelly mentioned because it sounds like she would be quite angry if I did not. (NOTE: For more on sending nets to Africa, read this article by Rick Reilly. Pretty interesting.)
five of my bad habits....
1. I watch The Moment of Truth. (Did you see the interview with the lady who thinks she's a bad person?! The show totally destroyed her marriage. Check it out.)
2. I'm impatient.
3. I like fast food too much. Specifically, Taco Bell.
4. I also spend too much time watching TV when I could be doing more productive things with my time. When Charlie goes down for the night, I can't motivate myself to do anything.
5. I have a hard time saying no, so sometimes I bite off more than I can chew.
five places i have lived....
1. Walworth, WI (born and raised).
2. Ripon, WI (in college).
3. Oshkosh, WI (with Rand and Vicki Erickson while I was student teaching).
4. Appleton, WI (in an apartment while I was long-term subbing at Neenah).
5. Woodstock, IL (now and for the last five years or so).
five jobs i've had....
1. Caddy, Big Foot Country Club. If I'd been older, this could have been a fun job, but I was too immature to be a part of the workforce.
2. Doer of random things, Heyer True Value Hardware. I cleaned things. I organized things. I stocked things. I put things together.
3. Produce department, Sentry. I hated this job. I had surgery on my back halfway through that summer, and I never went back.
4. Intern, Walworth Times. Probably the best non-teaching job I've had. Teri, my editor, was awesome. I think that if I wasn't a teacher, I'd write for a newspaper.
5. Writer, College Relations, Ripon College. I did this all through college. This was also a great job. Fun work and terrific people.
This is where I'm supposed to tag other blogs, but like I said, I don't read any other blogs except Kelly's. Who has the time? I guess I'll have to put it on my to-do list.
Later gators.
Friday, March 28, 2008
without a trace
Yesterday, I weighed in with another installment of "students say the darndest things." When I casually asked my wife if she read it, she informed me that she thinks the "students say the darndest things" entries are--and I'm quoting--"snoozers." Feelings were definitely hurt. Anyway, she requested that I make it up to her by writing about The Celebrity Apprentice, so I feel that I owe it to her.
As I've mentioned before, I watched the first season of The Apprentice religously. I didn't really pay much attention again until this season, but when Gene Simmons, Stephen Baldwin, and Nadia Comaneci are going to be in the same boardroom, you watch. And before long, it became appointment television. My early pick for the winner was ex-supermodel Carol Alt, but before long, the Baker family became serious fans of Mr. Trace Adkins. This has been pretty standard with me and reality television. I like the normal ones--Rebecca from The Real World: Seattle, Tamyra Gray from the first season of American Idol, etc. And Trace, in the context of The Celebrity Apprentice, was the normal one. But last night, Donal Trump fired him, thereby putting the exclamation point on reality television's worst week ever. (See yesterday's entry for more on that.)
Here's the thing: For the last week, NBC had been promoting the showdown between Trace and Piers Morgan (who, along with Tiffany Fallon, was one of the only two "celebrities" I'd never heard of before the show began) as the battle of "Good v. Evil." Trace is the laid-back cowboy who did everything with dignity; Piers is the sneaky, underhanded British guy. Now, they didn't need to do it that way. Those shows are obviously mostly about editing, so they could have edited it in a way that didn't make everyone pro-Trace. But once they made that decision, I think it was Donald Trump's responsibility to make Trace the celebrity apprentice. Why would you pit good versus evil and give the job to evil?! And I'm not the only one that thinks so--on the NBC web site, the web poll question is "Did the Donald make the right decision?" and 65% of America said no. Infuriating.
So here's what came of my experience with The Celebrity Apprentice: 1) I have a new-found respect for Trace Adkins; 2) I have a new level of loathing for all things British; 3) I've realized that Ivanka Trump is actually fairly normal--much more than any other Trumps; 4) I do not like Marilu Henner; 5) I don't understand how someone as blah as Lennox Lewis wins a heavyweight title; and 6) there is nothing funnier than watching Trace Adkins deal with the Backstreet Boys. Plus, this mildly angry blog entry. Damn Brits.
Later gators.
As I've mentioned before, I watched the first season of The Apprentice religously. I didn't really pay much attention again until this season, but when Gene Simmons, Stephen Baldwin, and Nadia Comaneci are going to be in the same boardroom, you watch. And before long, it became appointment television. My early pick for the winner was ex-supermodel Carol Alt, but before long, the Baker family became serious fans of Mr. Trace Adkins. This has been pretty standard with me and reality television. I like the normal ones--Rebecca from The Real World: Seattle, Tamyra Gray from the first season of American Idol, etc. And Trace, in the context of The Celebrity Apprentice, was the normal one. But last night, Donal Trump fired him, thereby putting the exclamation point on reality television's worst week ever. (See yesterday's entry for more on that.)
Here's the thing: For the last week, NBC had been promoting the showdown between Trace and Piers Morgan (who, along with Tiffany Fallon, was one of the only two "celebrities" I'd never heard of before the show began) as the battle of "Good v. Evil." Trace is the laid-back cowboy who did everything with dignity; Piers is the sneaky, underhanded British guy. Now, they didn't need to do it that way. Those shows are obviously mostly about editing, so they could have edited it in a way that didn't make everyone pro-Trace. But once they made that decision, I think it was Donald Trump's responsibility to make Trace the celebrity apprentice. Why would you pit good versus evil and give the job to evil?! And I'm not the only one that thinks so--on the NBC web site, the web poll question is "Did the Donald make the right decision?" and 65% of America said no. Infuriating.
So here's what came of my experience with The Celebrity Apprentice: 1) I have a new-found respect for Trace Adkins; 2) I have a new level of loathing for all things British; 3) I've realized that Ivanka Trump is actually fairly normal--much more than any other Trumps; 4) I do not like Marilu Henner; 5) I don't understand how someone as blah as Lennox Lewis wins a heavyweight title; and 6) there is nothing funnier than watching Trace Adkins deal with the Backstreet Boys. Plus, this mildly angry blog entry. Damn Brits.
Later gators.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
students say the darndest things (part 3)
First of all, I'm seething right now. My guy, Chikezie, got the boot on American Idol last night. Absolutely ludicrous. Here is a list of people who are actually better than the C-Man: Brooke White, Carly Smithson, David Cook, and Michael Johns. If those were the only people still on the show and Chikezie-E got voted off, I would have no problems with that. But to pull a Bernie Mac here for a minute, Come on, America! Kristy Lee Cook? Jason Castro? Ramiele Malubay, for crying out loud! I know there's no way to find this out, but I would wager my first-born son on the fact that Chikezie would sell more tickets and albums that Ramiele. And it wouldn't be close. So thank you, voters, for making the rest of my AI-watching experience slightly less enjoyable. Hope you're happy. At least it looks like next week's The Moment of Truth is going to be truly horrifying, so I've got that to look forward to.
Since I'm too upset to come up with a new idea, I'm weighing in with another installment of "student say the darndest things." I've decided that this is a truly inspired idea for a regular feature because I might someday run out of ideas for Top 10's, and I can only do mailbags if people are commenting, but kids will always say stupid things in their papers. It's a bottomless well of material. So let's get started. As always, the names have been changed, but these are all direct quotations.
STEPHANIE CARLSON (analysis of "War is Kind"): "In ‘War is Kind,’ Stephen Crane says, ‘Point for them the virtue of slaughter.’ He is saying that the men at war get points for killing people."
How many statements like this do I have to put up before you start wondering if it's really just my crazy kids or if I'm truly an incompetent teacher? Maybe we're already there...
JENNIFER HART (analysis of a David Eggers short short story): “Children enjoy being naked. They also like to hide their diapers from you, but that isn’t the point of this paper.”
Unfortunately--but maybe predictably--it never became clear what the point of the paper actually was.
ANDY O'BRIEN (analysis of a David Eggers short short story): “Some symbolism that I believe is in there is the Enron coffee cup symbolizes Roderick, the grapefruit juice symbolizes his wife’s complaining, and the cantaloupe symbolizes his plan to solve his wife’s issue with sleep eventually in possible murder.”
1) I love how he says the symbolism is "in there." It's like he's cleaning out a gutter. 2) I thought the last part of this sentence was crazy, but I just checked in my symbolism book, and it says, "CANTALOUPE: freshness, morning, plans to solve spouse's sleep issues with murder." So it turns out Andy was on to something.
ALICIA CONNOR (analysis of a D.E. short short story): “The passage ‘and when she thinks of what she will say to him and how loudly she will say it, she feels a strange kind of pleasure’ is like a slap in the face. This is a surprise to the reader, who now find out that the mother is unexpectedly a sado-masochist.”
It certainly came as a surprise to this reader.
ERIN NABORS (analysis of "Incident," by Countee Cullen): “Have you ever seen someone that was being racial towards another person?”
"Racial," Erin? Really?
DEVON MAISE (analysis of "The Red Wheelbarrow," by William Carlos Williams): “Another thing that was interesting about the structure was the first line has three words and the second line has one. Why he did this I am not sure, but it’s interesting to think about.”
This is really all I ask from my students. I don't need you to understand what's going on in the poem. Just give me something interesting to think about. Well done.
CRAIG GOLDBERG (analysis of "Incident"): “Having been denied work just for being labeled as an idiot I can relate to how these insults feels.”
This might be my all-time favorite. Just let it soak in for a while.
JORDAN CARTER (timed write): “Example: Boyfriend Mark decides to lie to girlfriend Anna. ‘Mark, we should go see a movie tonight. I think it would be a lot of fun since we don’t get to be with each other that often.’ Mark replies, ‘No, no. I feel a little sick. I’ve had a headache all day. Maybe we could save it until tomorrow?’ Is he telling her the truth? Nope. In reality, he is going out with her best friend Meg.”
Based on the tone of this essay, I think that "Mark" is an actual person, and he'd better watch out. The actual Jordan seems kind of like a crazy person.
Now, I'm going to introduce these final excerpts, all from the same paper, by saying that the core thesis of this essay is basically this: School is not as competitive as Alexandra Robbins claims it is in the book The Overachievers. Most people are content to just get by. At least Greg is.
GREG HARRIS: “[I read] the non-fiction novel The Overachievers”; “I am a senior in high school and all of my friends are starting to pick out collages”; “I have [a lot of friends] whose lives are already set for them. By that I mean they already have a full-time job and are out as an adult in the work force, [which] makes it a little less competitive for people like me to get into collage.”
1) What is a non-fiction novel? For those of you who have not read it, The Overachievers is not one. 2) He spelled "colleges" this way every single time. 3) Well, I'm glad that the fact that intelligent people are getting jobs is making it easier for you to get into collage. Just don't tell them that I had anything to do with it.
Later gators.
Since I'm too upset to come up with a new idea, I'm weighing in with another installment of "student say the darndest things." I've decided that this is a truly inspired idea for a regular feature because I might someday run out of ideas for Top 10's, and I can only do mailbags if people are commenting, but kids will always say stupid things in their papers. It's a bottomless well of material. So let's get started. As always, the names have been changed, but these are all direct quotations.
STEPHANIE CARLSON (analysis of "War is Kind"): "In ‘War is Kind,’ Stephen Crane says, ‘Point for them the virtue of slaughter.’ He is saying that the men at war get points for killing people."
How many statements like this do I have to put up before you start wondering if it's really just my crazy kids or if I'm truly an incompetent teacher? Maybe we're already there...
JENNIFER HART (analysis of a David Eggers short short story): “Children enjoy being naked. They also like to hide their diapers from you, but that isn’t the point of this paper.”
Unfortunately--but maybe predictably--it never became clear what the point of the paper actually was.
ANDY O'BRIEN (analysis of a David Eggers short short story): “Some symbolism that I believe is in there is the Enron coffee cup symbolizes Roderick, the grapefruit juice symbolizes his wife’s complaining, and the cantaloupe symbolizes his plan to solve his wife’s issue with sleep eventually in possible murder.”
1) I love how he says the symbolism is "in there." It's like he's cleaning out a gutter. 2) I thought the last part of this sentence was crazy, but I just checked in my symbolism book, and it says, "CANTALOUPE: freshness, morning, plans to solve spouse's sleep issues with murder." So it turns out Andy was on to something.
ALICIA CONNOR (analysis of a D.E. short short story): “The passage ‘and when she thinks of what she will say to him and how loudly she will say it, she feels a strange kind of pleasure’ is like a slap in the face. This is a surprise to the reader, who now find out that the mother is unexpectedly a sado-masochist.”
It certainly came as a surprise to this reader.
ERIN NABORS (analysis of "Incident," by Countee Cullen): “Have you ever seen someone that was being racial towards another person?”
"Racial," Erin? Really?
DEVON MAISE (analysis of "The Red Wheelbarrow," by William Carlos Williams): “Another thing that was interesting about the structure was the first line has three words and the second line has one. Why he did this I am not sure, but it’s interesting to think about.”
This is really all I ask from my students. I don't need you to understand what's going on in the poem. Just give me something interesting to think about. Well done.
CRAIG GOLDBERG (analysis of "Incident"): “Having been denied work just for being labeled as an idiot I can relate to how these insults feels.”
This might be my all-time favorite. Just let it soak in for a while.
JORDAN CARTER (timed write): “Example: Boyfriend Mark decides to lie to girlfriend Anna. ‘Mark, we should go see a movie tonight. I think it would be a lot of fun since we don’t get to be with each other that often.’ Mark replies, ‘No, no. I feel a little sick. I’ve had a headache all day. Maybe we could save it until tomorrow?’ Is he telling her the truth? Nope. In reality, he is going out with her best friend Meg.”
Based on the tone of this essay, I think that "Mark" is an actual person, and he'd better watch out. The actual Jordan seems kind of like a crazy person.
Now, I'm going to introduce these final excerpts, all from the same paper, by saying that the core thesis of this essay is basically this: School is not as competitive as Alexandra Robbins claims it is in the book The Overachievers. Most people are content to just get by. At least Greg is.
GREG HARRIS: “[I read] the non-fiction novel The Overachievers”; “I am a senior in high school and all of my friends are starting to pick out collages”; “I have [a lot of friends] whose lives are already set for them. By that I mean they already have a full-time job and are out as an adult in the work force, [which] makes it a little less competitive for people like me to get into collage.”
1) What is a non-fiction novel? For those of you who have not read it, The Overachievers is not one. 2) He spelled "colleges" this way every single time. 3) Well, I'm glad that the fact that intelligent people are getting jobs is making it easier for you to get into collage. Just don't tell them that I had anything to do with it.
Later gators.
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