No clever intro today because I'm a little late getting started. So onto the list...
30. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Milos Forman, 1975)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Upon arrival at a mental institution, a brash rebel rallies the patients together to take on the oppressive Nurse Ratched, a woman more a dictator than a nurse.
PERFORMERS: Jack Nicholson, Louise Fletcher
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Brad Dourif (Billy Bibbit)
INTERESTING FACTS: Ken Kesey (the author) has claimed that he will never watch the film version because it's not told from the Chief's perspective the way the book is...One of only three films to win the Grand Slam of Academy Awards (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor, Best Actress)...#33 on the American Film Institute's Top 100 Movies of All-Time
BEST SCENE: McMurphy doing play-by-play of the World Series.
BEST LINE: "They was giving me ten thousand watts a day, you know, and I'm hot to trot! The next woman takes me on's gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars!"
29. Dead Poets Society (Peter Weir, 1989)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: English professor John Keating inspires his students to a love of poetry and to seize the day.
PERFORMERS: Robin Williams, Robert Sean Leonard
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Josh Charles (Knox Overstreet)
INTERESTING FACTS: Originally, Professor Keating was supposed to die of leukemia, but the director decided that the focus should be on the boys...It was the first major motion picture ever filmed in Delaware..."Carpe diem. Sieze the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary," is #95 on the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movie Lines of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The boys standing on the desks.
BEST LINE: "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race."
28. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Judd Apatow, 2005)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Goaded by his buddies, a nerdy guy who's never "done the deed" only finds the pressure mounting when he meets a single mother.
PERFORMERS: Steve Carell, Catherine Keener
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Seth Rogen (Cal)
INTERESTING FACTS: The chest hair scene was shot in one take, and Steve Carell's chest was really being waxed...Voted one of the 50 Greatest Comedies of All-Time by Premiere...During the "Aquarius" scene, Jay is doing the M.C. Hammer "Shuffle Dance"; the actor who played Jay (Romany Malco) played M.C. Hammer in the VH1 movie Too Legit: The M.C. Hammer Story
BEST SCENE: The chest hair scene.
BEST LINE: "Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life."
27. Swingers (Doug Liman, 1996)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Wannabe actors become regulars in the stylish neo-lounge scene; Trent teaches his friend Mike the unwritten rules of the scene.
PERFORMERS: Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Ron Livingston (Rob)
INTERESTING FACTS: Favreau wrote the screenplay based on his personal experience moving to California and hanging out with his friends, Vaughn and Livingston (the men are basically playing themselves)...Vaughn's father and Favreau's grandmother play lucky gamblers at the casino...Trent, Mikey, Sue, Rob, and Charles are supposed to represent the members of the original Rat Pack: Sinatra, Martin, Lawford, Bishop, and Davis
BEST SCENE: Trent and Mikey in the casino.
BEST LINE: "Hey! What're you kicking me for? You want me to ask? All right, I'll ask! Ma'am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?"
26. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (Mel Stuart, 1971)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A poor boy wins the oppurtunity to tour the most eccentric and wonderful candy factory of all.
PERFORMERS: Gene Wilder, Peter Ostrum
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Jack Albertson (Grandpa Joe)
INTERESTING FACTS: Ostrum (who played Charlie) never made another film; he went on to become a veterinarian...The movie quotes several Shakespeare plays, including Romeo & Juliet, The Merchant of Venice, and As You Like It...Sammy Davis, Jr. wanted to play Bill, the candy store owner, but producers thought it would be too kitschy; the song "Candyman" was later a staple of Davis's stage act
BEST SCENE: The opening scene in the factory.
BEST LINE: "The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!"
25. The Sixth Sense (M. Night Shyamalan, 1999)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A boy who communicates with spirits that don't know they're dead seeks the help of a disheartened child psychologist.
PERFORMERS: Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Toni Collette (Lynn Sear)
INTERESTING FACTS: "I see dead people" was #44 on the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movie Lines of All-Time...Liam Aiken (who plays the little boy in Stepmom and the kid in the Lemony Snicket movies) turned down the part of Cole...#89 on the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movies of All-Time
BEST SCENE: Malcolm realizing that he is dead.
BEST LINE: "You ever feel the prickly things on the back of your neck?...And the tiny hairs on your arm, you know when they stand up? That's them. When they get mad... it gets cold."
24. 12 Angry Men (Sidney Lumet, 1957)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A dissenting juror in a murder trial slowly manages to convince the others that the case is not as obviously clear as it seemed in court.
PERFORMERS: Henry Fonda, Lee J. Cobb
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Jack Warden (Juror #7)
INTERESTING FACTS: Jack Klugman is the only juror still alive today...John Fiedler, who played Juror #2, provided the voice for Piglet in several Winnie the Pooh movies (he is from Platteville, WI)...#87 on the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movies of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The other 11 jurors turning their backs on #10 after his racist rant.
BEST LINE: "It's always difficult to keep personal prejudice out of a thing like this. And wherever you run into it, prejudice always obscures the truth. I don't really know what the truth is. I don't suppose anybody will ever really know. Nine of us now seem to feel that the defendant is innocent, but we're just gambling on probabilities - we may be wrong. We may be trying to let a guilty man go free, I don't know. Nobody really can. But we have a reasonable doubt, and that's something that's very valuable in our system. No jury can declare a man guilty unless it's SURE. We nine can't understand how you three are still so sure. Maybe you can tell us."
23. The Wizard of Oz (Victor Fleming, 1939)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Dorothy Gale is swept away to a magical land in a tornado and embarks on a quest to see the Wizard who can help her return home.
PERFORMERS: Judy Garland
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Ray Bolger (the Scarecrow)
INTERESTING FACTS: Buddy Ebsen was cast as the Tinman, but was dropped because of a reaction to the aluminum powder make-up..."Over the Rainbow" was #1 on the American Film Institute's List of the 100 Greatest Movie Songs of All-Time..."Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" (62) and "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain" (24) were both on the AFI's list of the 100 Greatest Movie Lines of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The Scarecrow's first scene.
BEST LINE: "I think I'll miss you most of all."
22. Field of Dreams (Phil Alden Robinson, 1989)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: An Iowa corn farmer, hearing voices, interprets them as a command to build a baseball diamond in his fields; he does, and the Chicago Black Sox come.
PERFORMERS: Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Burt Lancaster (Moonlight Graham)
INTERESTING FACTS: In a review of the movie, W.P. Kinsella (the author of the novel) gave it four out of five stars for two reasons: Mark wasn't villainous enough, and he didn't think that Gaby Hoffman looked like she could be Kevin Costner and Amy Madigan's child...Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are among the thousands of extras in the Fenway Park scene...Archibald "Moonlight" Graham was a real baseball player that played one game for the New York Giants in 1905 before quitting to become a doctor
BEST SCENE: Ray and his dad "having a catch."
BEST LINE: "The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time."
21. Fight Club (David Fincher, 1999)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: An office employee and a soap salesman build a global organization to help vent male aggression.
PERFORMERS: Ed Norton, Brad Pitt
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Meat Loaf (Bob Paulson)
INTERESTING FACTS: Norton and Pitt really got drunk for the scene in which they hit golfballs, and the balls were sailing into the side of the catering truck...Norton's character is identified only as "The Narrator" in the credits..."The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club" was #27 on the American Film Institute's 100 Greatest Movie Lines of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The Narrator beating himelf up at work.
BEST LINE: "Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."
Later gators.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
top 50 movies (40-31)
If you're wondering what my criteria are for deciding the Top 50 Movies of All-Time, here's the process:
1. Go to numerous web sites and write down movies that I like.
2. Open a Word document, and type in the name of the first one on the list. For example, The Godfather.
3. Locate the second one on the list (for example, Superbad), and ask myself, Which one is better? In some cases (this is probably one), the answer is obvious, so I put Superbad in there below The Godfather. In some cases, it's trickier (Dog Day Afternoon v. The Negotiator), so I try to decide, when I am lying on my deathbed and only have 2 hours left to live, which I will want to watch. In this case, it's The Negotiator, so there you go.
4. Locate the next movie on the list, and go through the same process. (In this case, The Godfather is better than Superbad, but Superbad is better than The Negotiator.) And so on.
And now, #40-31...
40. Superbad (Greg Mottola, 2007)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Two co-dependent high school seniors are forced to deal with separation anxiety after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.
PERFORMERS: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Foggell)
INTERESTING FACTS: Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg started writing this movie when they were 13...In the party scenes, apple juice was used for hard liquor, water was used for vodka, and non-alcoholic beer was used for beer...Because Mintz-Plasse was 17 at the time of shooting, his mother had to be on set for his sex scene
BEST SCENE: The home ec scene.
BEST LINE: "Muhammad is the most commonly-used name on Earth. Read a f***ing book for once."
39. Finding Nemo (Andrew Stanton & Lee Unkrich, 2003)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A father-son underwater adventure featuring Nemo, a boy clownfish, stolen from his coral reef home. His timid father must then travel to Sydney, and search Sydney Harbour find Nemo.
PERFORMERS: Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres, Alexander Gould
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Andrew Stanton (Crush)
INTERESTING FACTS: Holds the all-time record for first day home release sales with 8 million copies sold in the United States...Andrew Stanton claims to have modeled the voice for Crush after Sean Penn's character in Fast Time at Ridgemont High...A stuffed version of Nemo appears in Boo's room in the movie Monsters, Inc., which was released two years earlier
BEST SCENE: Dory trying to communicate with the whales.
BEST LINE: "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."
38. Ocean's Eleven (Steven Soderbergh, 2001)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Danny Ocean and his ten accomplices plan to rob three Las Vegas casinos simultaneously.
PERFORMERS: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Andy Garcia
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Carl Reiner
INTERESTING FACTS: The following actors were all slated for roles in the movie but dropped out for one reason or another: Bruce Willis, Mark Wahlberg, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Danny Glover, and Alan Alda (Wilson, Wilson, and Glover dropped the project to film The Royal Tennenbaums)...At Danny's parole board hearing, there was originally a line in the script where he asks the parole board members how much they make, but the line was cut when actual parole board members advised Soderbergh that an inmate would never be granted parole if he asked such a question
BEST SCENE: The final heist.
BEST LINE: "I'm not sure what four nines does, but the ace, I think, is pretty high."
37. To Kill A Mockingbird (Robert Mulligan, 1962)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Atticus Finch, a lawyer in the Depression-era South, defends a black man against an undeserved rape charge, and his kids against prejudice.
PERFORMERS: Gregory Peck, Mary Badham
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Estelle Evans (Calpurnia)
INTERESTING FACTS: The character Dill was modeled after Harper Lee's childhood friend Truman Capote...The film marked Robert Duvall's big screen debut (he played Boo Radley)...Atticus Finch was chosen as #1 on the American Film Institute's Top 100 Screen Heroes of All-Time, and the film was chosen as #2 on the AFI's Most Inspiring Movies of All-Time and #25 on their Top 100 Movies of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The dog scene.
BEST LINE: "Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing."
36. Rain Man (Barry Levinson, 1988)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Selfish yuppie Charlie Babbitt's father left a fortune to his savant brother Raymond and a pittance to Charlie; they travel cross-country.
PERFORMERS: Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Michael D. Roberts (Vern)
INTERESTING FACTS: Dustin Hoffman originally wanted Bill Murray to play the part of Charlie...Raymond was originally supposed to be mentally challenged, but Hoffman insisted that he be an autistic savant...The screenplay was written with Dennis and Randy Quaid in mind for the leads
BEST SCENE: Raymond and the toothpicks.
BEST LINE: "I'm sorry ma'am, I lied to you. I'm very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch People's Court in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen."
35. Reservoir Dogs (Quentin Tarantino, 1992)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: After a simple jewelery heist goes terribly wrong, the surviving criminals begin to suspect that one of them is a police informant.
PERFORMERS: Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Steve Buscemi
INTERESTING FACTS: Aside from the opening credits, the film makes no reference to the term "reservoir dogs"...During filming, a paramedic was kept on site to make sure that Mr. Orange's blood loss was consistent with that of a real gunshot victim...The following actors were all under consideration for parts in the movie: James Woods, George Clooney, David Duchovny, and Christopher Walken
BEST SCENE: Mr. Blonde cutting off the cop's ear to "Stuck in the Middle."
BEST LINE: "If you shoot me in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize."
34. Fargo (Joel Coen, 1996)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Jerry Lundegaard's inept crime falls apart due to his and his henchmen's bungling and the persistent police work of pregnant Marge Gunderson.
PERFORMERS: Frances McDormand, William H. Macy, Steve Buscemi
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: John Carroll Lynch (Norm Gunderson)
INTERESTING FACTS: The film is not, as it claims, "based on a true story"...William H. Macy begged the directors for the role of Jerry Lundegaard. He did two readings for the part, and became convinced he was the best man for the role. When the Coens didn't get back to him on the subject, he flew to New York (where they were commencing production) and said, "I'm very, very worried that you are going to screw up this movie by giving this role to somebody else. It's my role, and I'll shoot your dogs if you don't give it to me"
BEST SCENE: Marge interviewing Jerry at the car dealership.
BEST LINE: "And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper."
33. Shrek (Andrew Adamson & Vicky Jenson, 2001)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: An ogre, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with an annoying donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord, wishing himself King.
PERFORMERS: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Conrad Vernon (The Gingerbread Man)
INTERESTING FACTS: Chris Farley was originally cast as Shrek and even recorded the dialogue, but after he died, the part was given to Myers...The principal actors never read together...First winner of the Best Animated Feature Film Oscar
BEST SCENE: The Gingerbread Man's interrogation.
BEST LINE: "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR BLIND!"
32. Chicago (Rob Marshall, 2002)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Murderesses Velma Kelly (a chanteuse and tease who killed her husband and sister after finding them in bed together)and Roxie Hart (Who killed her boyfriend when she discovered he wasn't going to make her a star) find themselves on death row together and fight for the fame that will keep them from the gallows in 1920s Chicago.
PERFORMERS: Richard Gere, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: John C. Reilly
INTERESTING FACTS: Chicago joins American Gigolo, Days of Heaven, and An Officer and a Gentleman as films that John Travolta has turned down and eventually went to Richard Gere...An earlier film version of the musical starring Frank Sinatra, Goldie Hawn, and Liza Manelli was canceled when Bob Fosse, who was to be involved, died in 1987...Was named one of the 20 Most Overrated Movies of All-Time by Premiere
BEST SCENE: The Cell Block Tango.
BEST LINE: "You're a free woman, Roxie Hart. And God save Illinois."
31. Little Miss Sunshine (Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris, 2006)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A family determined to get their young daughter into the finals of a beauty pageant take a cross-country trip in their VW bus.
PERFORMERS: Abigail Breslin, Toni Collette, Greg Kinnear
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Alan Arkin
INTERESTING FACTS: All of the girls participating in the beauty pageant, except for Breslin, were actual beauty pageant regulars...When producers cast Steve Carell for the film, they worried that he wasn't a big enough star and didn't have enough acting experience; between the time the movie wrapped and the time it was released, The 40-Year-Old Virgin was released and The Office debuted on NBC
BEST SCENE: Olive dancing to "Super Freak."
BEST LINE: "I'm madly in love with you, and it's not because of your brains or your personality."
Later gators.
1. Go to numerous web sites and write down movies that I like.
2. Open a Word document, and type in the name of the first one on the list. For example, The Godfather.
3. Locate the second one on the list (for example, Superbad), and ask myself, Which one is better? In some cases (this is probably one), the answer is obvious, so I put Superbad in there below The Godfather. In some cases, it's trickier (Dog Day Afternoon v. The Negotiator), so I try to decide, when I am lying on my deathbed and only have 2 hours left to live, which I will want to watch. In this case, it's The Negotiator, so there you go.
4. Locate the next movie on the list, and go through the same process. (In this case, The Godfather is better than Superbad, but Superbad is better than The Negotiator.) And so on.
And now, #40-31...
40. Superbad (Greg Mottola, 2007)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Two co-dependent high school seniors are forced to deal with separation anxiety after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.
PERFORMERS: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Foggell)
INTERESTING FACTS: Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg started writing this movie when they were 13...In the party scenes, apple juice was used for hard liquor, water was used for vodka, and non-alcoholic beer was used for beer...Because Mintz-Plasse was 17 at the time of shooting, his mother had to be on set for his sex scene
BEST SCENE: The home ec scene.
BEST LINE: "Muhammad is the most commonly-used name on Earth. Read a f***ing book for once."
39. Finding Nemo (Andrew Stanton & Lee Unkrich, 2003)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A father-son underwater adventure featuring Nemo, a boy clownfish, stolen from his coral reef home. His timid father must then travel to Sydney, and search Sydney Harbour find Nemo.
PERFORMERS: Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres, Alexander Gould
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Andrew Stanton (Crush)
INTERESTING FACTS: Holds the all-time record for first day home release sales with 8 million copies sold in the United States...Andrew Stanton claims to have modeled the voice for Crush after Sean Penn's character in Fast Time at Ridgemont High...A stuffed version of Nemo appears in Boo's room in the movie Monsters, Inc., which was released two years earlier
BEST SCENE: Dory trying to communicate with the whales.
BEST LINE: "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."
38. Ocean's Eleven (Steven Soderbergh, 2001)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Danny Ocean and his ten accomplices plan to rob three Las Vegas casinos simultaneously.
PERFORMERS: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Andy Garcia
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Carl Reiner
INTERESTING FACTS: The following actors were all slated for roles in the movie but dropped out for one reason or another: Bruce Willis, Mark Wahlberg, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Danny Glover, and Alan Alda (Wilson, Wilson, and Glover dropped the project to film The Royal Tennenbaums)...At Danny's parole board hearing, there was originally a line in the script where he asks the parole board members how much they make, but the line was cut when actual parole board members advised Soderbergh that an inmate would never be granted parole if he asked such a question
BEST SCENE: The final heist.
BEST LINE: "I'm not sure what four nines does, but the ace, I think, is pretty high."
37. To Kill A Mockingbird (Robert Mulligan, 1962)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Atticus Finch, a lawyer in the Depression-era South, defends a black man against an undeserved rape charge, and his kids against prejudice.
PERFORMERS: Gregory Peck, Mary Badham
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Estelle Evans (Calpurnia)
INTERESTING FACTS: The character Dill was modeled after Harper Lee's childhood friend Truman Capote...The film marked Robert Duvall's big screen debut (he played Boo Radley)...Atticus Finch was chosen as #1 on the American Film Institute's Top 100 Screen Heroes of All-Time, and the film was chosen as #2 on the AFI's Most Inspiring Movies of All-Time and #25 on their Top 100 Movies of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The dog scene.
BEST LINE: "Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing."
36. Rain Man (Barry Levinson, 1988)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Selfish yuppie Charlie Babbitt's father left a fortune to his savant brother Raymond and a pittance to Charlie; they travel cross-country.
PERFORMERS: Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Michael D. Roberts (Vern)
INTERESTING FACTS: Dustin Hoffman originally wanted Bill Murray to play the part of Charlie...Raymond was originally supposed to be mentally challenged, but Hoffman insisted that he be an autistic savant...The screenplay was written with Dennis and Randy Quaid in mind for the leads
BEST SCENE: Raymond and the toothpicks.
BEST LINE: "I'm sorry ma'am, I lied to you. I'm very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch People's Court in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen."
35. Reservoir Dogs (Quentin Tarantino, 1992)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: After a simple jewelery heist goes terribly wrong, the surviving criminals begin to suspect that one of them is a police informant.
PERFORMERS: Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Steve Buscemi
INTERESTING FACTS: Aside from the opening credits, the film makes no reference to the term "reservoir dogs"...During filming, a paramedic was kept on site to make sure that Mr. Orange's blood loss was consistent with that of a real gunshot victim...The following actors were all under consideration for parts in the movie: James Woods, George Clooney, David Duchovny, and Christopher Walken
BEST SCENE: Mr. Blonde cutting off the cop's ear to "Stuck in the Middle."
BEST LINE: "If you shoot me in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize."
34. Fargo (Joel Coen, 1996)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Jerry Lundegaard's inept crime falls apart due to his and his henchmen's bungling and the persistent police work of pregnant Marge Gunderson.
PERFORMERS: Frances McDormand, William H. Macy, Steve Buscemi
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: John Carroll Lynch (Norm Gunderson)
INTERESTING FACTS: The film is not, as it claims, "based on a true story"...William H. Macy begged the directors for the role of Jerry Lundegaard. He did two readings for the part, and became convinced he was the best man for the role. When the Coens didn't get back to him on the subject, he flew to New York (where they were commencing production) and said, "I'm very, very worried that you are going to screw up this movie by giving this role to somebody else. It's my role, and I'll shoot your dogs if you don't give it to me"
BEST SCENE: Marge interviewing Jerry at the car dealership.
BEST LINE: "And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper."
33. Shrek (Andrew Adamson & Vicky Jenson, 2001)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: An ogre, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with an annoying donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord, wishing himself King.
PERFORMERS: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Conrad Vernon (The Gingerbread Man)
INTERESTING FACTS: Chris Farley was originally cast as Shrek and even recorded the dialogue, but after he died, the part was given to Myers...The principal actors never read together...First winner of the Best Animated Feature Film Oscar
BEST SCENE: The Gingerbread Man's interrogation.
BEST LINE: "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR BLIND!"
32. Chicago (Rob Marshall, 2002)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Murderesses Velma Kelly (a chanteuse and tease who killed her husband and sister after finding them in bed together)and Roxie Hart (Who killed her boyfriend when she discovered he wasn't going to make her a star) find themselves on death row together and fight for the fame that will keep them from the gallows in 1920s Chicago.
PERFORMERS: Richard Gere, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: John C. Reilly
INTERESTING FACTS: Chicago joins American Gigolo, Days of Heaven, and An Officer and a Gentleman as films that John Travolta has turned down and eventually went to Richard Gere...An earlier film version of the musical starring Frank Sinatra, Goldie Hawn, and Liza Manelli was canceled when Bob Fosse, who was to be involved, died in 1987...Was named one of the 20 Most Overrated Movies of All-Time by Premiere
BEST SCENE: The Cell Block Tango.
BEST LINE: "You're a free woman, Roxie Hart. And God save Illinois."
31. Little Miss Sunshine (Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris, 2006)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A family determined to get their young daughter into the finals of a beauty pageant take a cross-country trip in their VW bus.
PERFORMERS: Abigail Breslin, Toni Collette, Greg Kinnear
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Alan Arkin
INTERESTING FACTS: All of the girls participating in the beauty pageant, except for Breslin, were actual beauty pageant regulars...When producers cast Steve Carell for the film, they worried that he wasn't a big enough star and didn't have enough acting experience; between the time the movie wrapped and the time it was released, The 40-Year-Old Virgin was released and The Office debuted on NBC
BEST SCENE: Olive dancing to "Super Freak."
BEST LINE: "I'm madly in love with you, and it's not because of your brains or your personality."
Later gators.
Monday, November 5, 2007
top 50 movies (50-41)
So this was going to be a Top 10 list, but it was impossible. Top 5 were easy, but it was impossible to differentiate between 10 and 11. (It was also impossible to differentiate between 50 and 51, but I felt less guilty because the movies were less great.) So instead, we're going with a 5-day installment, but before we begin...
HONORABLE MENTION: American Beauty, American History X, Back to the Future, Big Fish, Boogie Nights, Fletch, Hotel Rwanda, Major League, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Saving Private Ryan, The Shining
And now, the Top 50 Movies of All-Time...
50. Dog Day Afternoon (Sidney Lumet, 1975)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A man robs a bank to pay for his lover's operation; it turns into a hostage situation and a media circus.
PERFORMERS: Al Pacino, John Cazale
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Charles Durning
INTERESTING FACTS: Based on the real-life story of John Wojtowicz (who watched The Godfather, starring Al Pacino and John Cazale, the day he robbed the bank)...Pacino's performance as Sonny Wortkiz was #4 on Premiere's list of the 100 Greatest Performances of All-Time..."Attica! Attica!" was #86 on the American Film Institute's 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The phone conversation between Sonny and Leon.
BEST LINE: "Attica! Attica!"
49. Bull Durham (Ron Shelton, 1988)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A fan who has an affair with one minor-league baseball player each season meets an up-and-coming pitcher and the experienced catcher assigned to him.
PERFORMERS: Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Robert Wuhl
INTERESTING FACTS: In a memorable line, Costner says he believes "Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone"; in JFK, Costner plays Jim Garrison, who devoted much of his life to proving that the JFK assassination was a conspiracy...The part of Crash Davis was originally written for Kurt Russell, who helped Shelton develop the script...Sarandon and Robbins both claim that of all the films they've worked on in their respective careers, this is their favorite
BEST SCENE: The rain-out scene.
BEST LINE: "Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live...is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present...We're dealing with a lot of shit."
48. Memento (Christopher Nolan, 2000)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A man, suffering from short-term memory loss, uses notes and tattoos to hunt for the man he thinks killed his wife.
PERFORMERS: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Ann Moss
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Joe Pantoliano
INTERESTING FACTS: Anterograde Amnesia is the real-life name for the condition that Leonad suffers from in the film...Alec Baldwin was Nolan's first choice for the role of Leonard...The screenplay is based on a short story ("Memento Mori") by Nolan's brother (Jonathan Nolan)
BEST SCENE: Natalie reveals that she is helping Leonard because her boyfriend was killed by Teddy.
BEST LINE: "My wife deserves vengance. Doesn't make a difference whether I know about it. Just becuase there are things I don't remember doesn't make my actions meaningless. The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?"
47. The Negotiator (F. Gary Gray, 1998)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: In a desperate attempt to prove his innocence, a skilled police negotiator accused of corruption and murder takes hostages in a government office to gain the time he needs to find the truth.
PERFORMERS: Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Paul Giamatii
INTERESTING FACTS: Spacey was originally supposed to play Jackson's part, and Sylvester Stallone was supposed to play Spacey's part...The movie is dedicated to the late J.T. Walsh
BEST SCENE: Danny embarrassing Farley when he tries to talk Danny down.
BEST LINE: "You hurt one of them, you burn up any currency you have with me. They're all I care about. Getting you out of here alive... a distant second."
46. Unbreakable (M. Night Shyamalan, 2000)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A suspense thriller with supernatural overtones that revolves around a man who learns something extraordinary about himself after a devastating accident.
PERFORMERS: Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Spencer Treat Clark
INTERESTING FACTS: Eljiah (the name of Jackson's character) is a biblical character who returns to Earth to pave the way for the return of the savior...Three times before he is identified as "Mr. Glass" (as a newborn, as a child, and in the art studio), Elijah is revealed through a reflection (the delivery room mirrors, the TV screen, a glass frame)...Alliterative names (like David Dunn) are common for the "secret identities" of superheroes (Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, Clark Kent, etc.)
BEST SCENE: David Dunn coming to the realization that Elijah caused all of those accidents while trying to find him.
BEST LINE: "To answer your question, there are two reasons why I'm looking at you like this. One because it seems in a few minutes you will officially be the only survivor of this train wreck, and two, because you didn't break one bone, you don't have a scratch on you."
45. Se7en (David Fincher, 1995)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Police drama about two cops, one new and one about to retire, after a serial killer using the seven deadly sins as his MO.
PERFORMERS: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: R. Lee Ermey
INTERESTING FACTS: Kevin Spacey's character is identified in the credits only as "John Doe" (REM's Michael Stipe was once considered for the role)...Spacey was originally supposed to receive top billing at the beginning of the movie, but Spacey insisted that his name not appear at the beginning at all, so as to hide the identity of the killer (his name is, however, first in the closing credits)...Denzel Washington turned down the part that went to Brad Pitt
BEST SCENE: Mills, Somerset, and John Doe in the car ride before they find Mills's wife's head.
BEST LINE: "I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane?"
44. The Big Lebowski (Joel Coen, 1998)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: "Dude" Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire Lebowski, seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling buddies to help get it.
PERFORMERS: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: John Turturro
INTERESTING FACTS: In an early draft of the script, it is revealed that the Dude made his money because he was the heir to the Rubik's Cube fortune, but Coen decided to cut that part and never explain it...The word "dude" is spoken 160 times in the movie, or roughly 1.5 times per minutes...White Russian: 2 parts vodka, 1 part Kahlua, 1 part cream
BEST SCENE: Walter's eulogy for Donnie.
BEST LINE: "Obviously you don't golf."
43. Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks, 1974)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Dr. Frankenstein's grandson, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
PERFORMERS: Gene Wilder, Teri Garr
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Marty Feldman
INTERESTING FACTS: Gene Hackman plays Harold, the Blind Man, but was uncredited in the original cut...Wilder's performance as Dr. Frankenstein was #9 on Premiere's list of the 100 Greatest Performances of All-Time...Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler wrote the band's hit song "Walk This Way" the day after seeing the movie, inspired by Feldman's famous line
BEST SCENE: The revolving bookcase.
BEST LINE: "What hump?"
42. Knocked Up (Judd Apatow, 2007)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: For fun loving party animal Ben Stone, the last thing he ever expected was for his one night stand to show up on his doorstep eight weeks later to tell him she's pregnant.
PERFORMERS: Seth Rogen, Katherie Heigl, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Kristen Wiig
INTERESTING FACTS: James Franco, who starred in Freaks and Geeks with Seth Rogen, was considered for the part of Ben Stone...Originally, the movie was supposed to be a follow-up to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Rogen, et al. were supposed to reprise their roles as the Smart Tech guys
BEST SCENE: Alison and Debbie trying to get into the club.
BEST LINE: "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."
41. Office Space (Mike Judge, 1999)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Comedic tale of company workers who hate their jobs and decide to rebel against their greedy boss.
PERFORMERS: Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Stephen Root
INTERESTING FACTS: Peter lives in the Morningwood Apartments...Milton's stapler was created by the prop department because Swingline didn't make any staplers bright enough to be seen on film (after the movie, Swingline began producing red staplers)
BEST SCENE: The guys destroying the printer in the field.
BEST LINE: "Why should I change? He's the one who sucks."
Later gators.
HONORABLE MENTION: American Beauty, American History X, Back to the Future, Big Fish, Boogie Nights, Fletch, Hotel Rwanda, Major League, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Saving Private Ryan, The Shining
And now, the Top 50 Movies of All-Time...
50. Dog Day Afternoon (Sidney Lumet, 1975)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A man robs a bank to pay for his lover's operation; it turns into a hostage situation and a media circus.
PERFORMERS: Al Pacino, John Cazale
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Charles Durning
INTERESTING FACTS: Based on the real-life story of John Wojtowicz (who watched The Godfather, starring Al Pacino and John Cazale, the day he robbed the bank)...Pacino's performance as Sonny Wortkiz was #4 on Premiere's list of the 100 Greatest Performances of All-Time..."Attica! Attica!" was #86 on the American Film Institute's 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All-Time
BEST SCENE: The phone conversation between Sonny and Leon.
BEST LINE: "Attica! Attica!"
49. Bull Durham (Ron Shelton, 1988)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A fan who has an affair with one minor-league baseball player each season meets an up-and-coming pitcher and the experienced catcher assigned to him.
PERFORMERS: Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Robert Wuhl
INTERESTING FACTS: In a memorable line, Costner says he believes "Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone"; in JFK, Costner plays Jim Garrison, who devoted much of his life to proving that the JFK assassination was a conspiracy...The part of Crash Davis was originally written for Kurt Russell, who helped Shelton develop the script...Sarandon and Robbins both claim that of all the films they've worked on in their respective careers, this is their favorite
BEST SCENE: The rain-out scene.
BEST LINE: "Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live...is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present...We're dealing with a lot of shit."
48. Memento (Christopher Nolan, 2000)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A man, suffering from short-term memory loss, uses notes and tattoos to hunt for the man he thinks killed his wife.
PERFORMERS: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Ann Moss
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Joe Pantoliano
INTERESTING FACTS: Anterograde Amnesia is the real-life name for the condition that Leonad suffers from in the film...Alec Baldwin was Nolan's first choice for the role of Leonard...The screenplay is based on a short story ("Memento Mori") by Nolan's brother (Jonathan Nolan)
BEST SCENE: Natalie reveals that she is helping Leonard because her boyfriend was killed by Teddy.
BEST LINE: "My wife deserves vengance. Doesn't make a difference whether I know about it. Just becuase there are things I don't remember doesn't make my actions meaningless. The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?"
47. The Negotiator (F. Gary Gray, 1998)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: In a desperate attempt to prove his innocence, a skilled police negotiator accused of corruption and murder takes hostages in a government office to gain the time he needs to find the truth.
PERFORMERS: Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Paul Giamatii
INTERESTING FACTS: Spacey was originally supposed to play Jackson's part, and Sylvester Stallone was supposed to play Spacey's part...The movie is dedicated to the late J.T. Walsh
BEST SCENE: Danny embarrassing Farley when he tries to talk Danny down.
BEST LINE: "You hurt one of them, you burn up any currency you have with me. They're all I care about. Getting you out of here alive... a distant second."
46. Unbreakable (M. Night Shyamalan, 2000)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: A suspense thriller with supernatural overtones that revolves around a man who learns something extraordinary about himself after a devastating accident.
PERFORMERS: Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Spencer Treat Clark
INTERESTING FACTS: Eljiah (the name of Jackson's character) is a biblical character who returns to Earth to pave the way for the return of the savior...Three times before he is identified as "Mr. Glass" (as a newborn, as a child, and in the art studio), Elijah is revealed through a reflection (the delivery room mirrors, the TV screen, a glass frame)...Alliterative names (like David Dunn) are common for the "secret identities" of superheroes (Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, Clark Kent, etc.)
BEST SCENE: David Dunn coming to the realization that Elijah caused all of those accidents while trying to find him.
BEST LINE: "To answer your question, there are two reasons why I'm looking at you like this. One because it seems in a few minutes you will officially be the only survivor of this train wreck, and two, because you didn't break one bone, you don't have a scratch on you."
45. Se7en (David Fincher, 1995)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Police drama about two cops, one new and one about to retire, after a serial killer using the seven deadly sins as his MO.
PERFORMERS: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: R. Lee Ermey
INTERESTING FACTS: Kevin Spacey's character is identified in the credits only as "John Doe" (REM's Michael Stipe was once considered for the role)...Spacey was originally supposed to receive top billing at the beginning of the movie, but Spacey insisted that his name not appear at the beginning at all, so as to hide the identity of the killer (his name is, however, first in the closing credits)...Denzel Washington turned down the part that went to Brad Pitt
BEST SCENE: Mills, Somerset, and John Doe in the car ride before they find Mills's wife's head.
BEST LINE: "I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane?"
44. The Big Lebowski (Joel Coen, 1998)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: "Dude" Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire Lebowski, seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling buddies to help get it.
PERFORMERS: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: John Turturro
INTERESTING FACTS: In an early draft of the script, it is revealed that the Dude made his money because he was the heir to the Rubik's Cube fortune, but Coen decided to cut that part and never explain it...The word "dude" is spoken 160 times in the movie, or roughly 1.5 times per minutes...White Russian: 2 parts vodka, 1 part Kahlua, 1 part cream
BEST SCENE: Walter's eulogy for Donnie.
BEST LINE: "Obviously you don't golf."
43. Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks, 1974)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Dr. Frankenstein's grandson, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
PERFORMERS: Gene Wilder, Teri Garr
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Marty Feldman
INTERESTING FACTS: Gene Hackman plays Harold, the Blind Man, but was uncredited in the original cut...Wilder's performance as Dr. Frankenstein was #9 on Premiere's list of the 100 Greatest Performances of All-Time...Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler wrote the band's hit song "Walk This Way" the day after seeing the movie, inspired by Feldman's famous line
BEST SCENE: The revolving bookcase.
BEST LINE: "What hump?"
42. Knocked Up (Judd Apatow, 2007)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: For fun loving party animal Ben Stone, the last thing he ever expected was for his one night stand to show up on his doorstep eight weeks later to tell him she's pregnant.
PERFORMERS: Seth Rogen, Katherie Heigl, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Kristen Wiig
INTERESTING FACTS: James Franco, who starred in Freaks and Geeks with Seth Rogen, was considered for the part of Ben Stone...Originally, the movie was supposed to be a follow-up to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Rogen, et al. were supposed to reprise their roles as the Smart Tech guys
BEST SCENE: Alison and Debbie trying to get into the club.
BEST LINE: "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."
41. Office Space (Mike Judge, 1999)
IMDB PLOT OUTLINE: Comedic tale of company workers who hate their jobs and decide to rebel against their greedy boss.
PERFORMERS: Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Stephen Root
INTERESTING FACTS: Peter lives in the Morningwood Apartments...Milton's stapler was created by the prop department because Swingline didn't make any staplers bright enough to be seen on film (after the movie, Swingline began producing red staplers)
BEST SCENE: The guys destroying the printer in the field.
BEST LINE: "Why should I change? He's the one who sucks."
Later gators.
Friday, November 2, 2007
snowflake
This is the story of the day I killed Lydia Martin's cat.
I used to teach American Literature and Advanced Composition at Three Rivers High School. School let out at 2:42, and while our contract required us to stay until 3:15 Monday through Thursday, we were allowed to leave immediately after the final bell on Fridays, and on this particular Friday, that’s what I did.
I lived on Haydn Court, a cul-de-sac in the Sonatas, a relatively new housing development in Three Rivers. Andy and Becky Martin lived in the house to our left and had been close friends since we moved into our respective homes in the summer of 2003. Andy and I were the same age--26 at the time--but Becky was a bit older than Annie, and while their daughter Lydia had just turned five, Annie was pregnant with our first. Becky and Annie scrapbooked together, and Andy and I played on the same 16-inch softball team. We barbecued a lot. When they went on trips, we took care of their cat, Snowflake.
On that Friday afternoon, I pulled onto our street looking forward to a few minutes of alone time--on Friday afternoons, Annie was the Story Lady at the grade school, where they began and ended half an hour later than we did at the high school. As I pulled into our driveway, I saw what appeared to be a dead squirrel lying in front of the Martins’ driveway. It was not. It was Snowflake. Shit. Now, I didn’t like Snowflake--or any cats, or animals in general, for that matter--but I did like Lydia. Annie and I lost our daughter, Reagan, shortly after she was born, but I always imagined that she might have turned out a little like Lydia--pretty and precocious and confident. I always enjoyed the stories and the jokes and the magic tricks that she would share when our families got together to throw steaks on the grill. She had bright eyes and a great laugh. Sometimes, I would watch her after school until her parents got home. I would be watching her that afternoon, in fact. And Lydia loved that cat.
I paused for a moment, wondering what the hell I was going to do. Lydia would be home at 3:30. I didn’t look forward to telling her that Snowflake was dead--in fact, I tried to imagine a scenario in which I wouldn’t have to do it at all--but for her to actually see her cat this way would have been devastating. And as I stood at the curb, arms crossed, the situation became even more complicated when I heard Snowflake take a labored, raspy breath. Her chest moved almost imperceptibly. I watched more closely, thinking that I must have imagined it. Her tail was bloody and raw. Pink, bubblegum organs bulged out of the exposed side of her body where the white fur had been torn off. Her legs were flattened, and one was folded up underneath her body. Her mouth was wide open, and her eyes were motionless, barely open. She breathed again.
“Holy fuck,” I said to myself. Or maybe I just thought it. Who knows? I looked at my watch. 3:20. Snowflake breathed once more, then I turned and walked quickly to the garage. I returned in a moment with a shovel, which I used to scoop up Snowflake’s nearly-dead body. I got her on the first try, but she slipped off as I tried to lift her. She was stuck. All the dried blood had plastered her tail to the pavement. I reached down and pinched the tip of her tail between my thumb and forefinger. I looked the other way, then slowly peeled Snowflake’s tail off the street. When the tail had been liberated, I stood again and tried to shovel her back up, but this time couldn’t get her to stay. Instead, I pushed her around the cul-de-sac for a few seconds, much the same way that I sometimes push around that last bite of rice on my plate on nights when Annie decides to make Chinese food. I usually end up trapping the rice with my finger. Here, I used the curb to trap Snowflake, then I slid the shovel beneath her. I extended my arms as far as I could while keeping Snowflake balanced on the shovel, then carried her into my backyard.
I laid the body beside the air conditioner and wiped some sweat from my brow. There was really only one option, but I closed my eyes, searching for alternatives. None came to mind, and I didn’t have time for brainstorming, so I wrapped my hands tightly around the handle of the shovel, lifted it as high as I could, then opened my eyes and drove the edge of it hard into Snowflake’s throat. Her head rolled to one side, but her body stayed put. A split second later, I heard the kind of scream that you brace yourself for at horror movies when the heroine is about to enter the room where the psychopathic killer is hiding. It was Lydia.
I glanced at my watch. 3:28. She was early. I turned and tried to use my body to hide her dead cat. Lydia looked at me with a pitiful combination of confusion and disgust.
“Why did you do that?” she whispered. In her eight-year-old mind, this had been an act of malice rather than compassion. I knelt down.
“Lydia, I want you to listen to me. Snowflake was hit by a car.”
“Liar!” she screamed. “You killed her!” And with that she turned and ran home, sobbing.
You couldn’t blame her. To a perfectly rational adult the situation would have looked suspicious. In fact, Lydia’s misconception was much more logical to her than the truth would have been to almost anyone. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Annie. She answered after two rings.
“Hey you,” she said. She was in a good mood, I could tell. She was always in a good mood after Story Time.
“Um, hey,” I said.
“You sound weird.”
“Yeah, well, something awful happened.”
She paused for a moment. “What is it?”
“Snowflake got hit by a car.”
“Christ, Charlie, you scared the hell out of me. I thought it was your father.”
“No, no. Just Snowflake, but it was pretty bad.”
“Is she dead?”
“Yeah. Now she is. Only she wasn’t when I found her. She was close. Practically dead. And Lydia was on her way home.”
“Okay,” she said, drawing out the second syllable of the word in a confused way.
“So I killed her. Snowflake. I put her out of her misery really.”
“Jesus.”
“I know, but that’s not the worst part. Lydia saw me do it.”
“Shit, Charlie! How the hell did that happen?”
I explained to my wife what had happened. She considered the situation.
“Where is she now?” Annie asked.
“She went home. I don’t know what to do. Do I go try to talk to her?”
She thought about it. “No. I’m sure she’s just crying in her bedroom. Let her be. I’ll be home in ten minutes and I can go try to calm her down. Just clean that shit up for now.”
I told her okay, then ran inside, grabbed a garbage bag, and returned to that spot by the air conditioner. I turned the bag inside-out, the way you do when you’re picking up dog shit, and I lifted Snowflake’s body. It was still warm. Once her body was securely in the bag, I did the same thing with her head, which felt smaller than I thought it would. I cinched the bag and carried it to the edge of the woods that run along our property on the north side. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with the bag that contained Snowflake, but I knew that I couldn’t keep it in our garbage--the smell was already pretty close to unbearable--and I sure as hell wasn’t putting it in my car to take it anywhere, not even in the trunk. So I set it down and began to dig.
It was the end of March, and in Wisconsin, that means that the snow has been reduced to patches here and there. The sun was out--I remember that I wasn’t wearing a jacket--and that meant that the soil was soft, easy to dig. I worked quickly, and it was only a few minutes before I had a hole big enough, I thought, to bury a cat in. I bent down to pick up the bag, and that’s when I heard footsteps. They were squishy--I told you that the ground was soft and wet--and I flinched, thinking that a raccoon or a deer was approaching. Instead, it was Lydia. With a loud grunt, something louder than I would have thought such a sweet girl was capable of, she stabbed me hard in the lower back. I instinctively backhanded her across the face, but it barely fazed her. She got in three more sharp jabs--one more to my lower back and two to my side--before I dropped to one knee. She looked me in the eye, drew back her right hand like a pitcher about to deliver a fastball, and thrust the blade of her mother’s kitchen knife deep into my throat.
It was about this time that Annie parked her car next to mine in our driveway and shut off the engine. I sometimes wonder how long she looked at the splattered blood and the patches of dirty white fur where Snowflake had lain for who knows how long before I found her that afternoon. Did she stand in the street and imagine what happened? Or did she cover her eyes, afraid that her weak stomach wouldn’t be able to handle it? Perhaps she vomited. (But this is unlikely, isn’t it? It was only a dead animal. She had no doubt seen a few on her drive home.) At any rate, she got out of her car and walked to the Martins’ front door, which Lydia had left open. She called out to Lydia, but there was no answer. She walked up to the pink bedroom with the Dora the Explorer bedspread. Also empty, so she went back down the hallway, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. Surely she didn’t notice one missing knife from the block on the new, granite countertop.
She walked to the sliding glass door, and then she screamed, and then she opened the door and sprinted across the lawn to the edge of the woods. She stopped and dropped to her knees with her head in her hands, surveying the scene. There sat Lydia, contentedly petting the headless body of her bloody white cat. And beside the two of them, I was slumped over, my head in a shallow, muddy hole, a knife wedged in my throat. She knelt there for a long time, my wife, watching me closely, just waiting for me to take even one labored, raspy breath.
I used to teach American Literature and Advanced Composition at Three Rivers High School. School let out at 2:42, and while our contract required us to stay until 3:15 Monday through Thursday, we were allowed to leave immediately after the final bell on Fridays, and on this particular Friday, that’s what I did.
I lived on Haydn Court, a cul-de-sac in the Sonatas, a relatively new housing development in Three Rivers. Andy and Becky Martin lived in the house to our left and had been close friends since we moved into our respective homes in the summer of 2003. Andy and I were the same age--26 at the time--but Becky was a bit older than Annie, and while their daughter Lydia had just turned five, Annie was pregnant with our first. Becky and Annie scrapbooked together, and Andy and I played on the same 16-inch softball team. We barbecued a lot. When they went on trips, we took care of their cat, Snowflake.
On that Friday afternoon, I pulled onto our street looking forward to a few minutes of alone time--on Friday afternoons, Annie was the Story Lady at the grade school, where they began and ended half an hour later than we did at the high school. As I pulled into our driveway, I saw what appeared to be a dead squirrel lying in front of the Martins’ driveway. It was not. It was Snowflake. Shit. Now, I didn’t like Snowflake--or any cats, or animals in general, for that matter--but I did like Lydia. Annie and I lost our daughter, Reagan, shortly after she was born, but I always imagined that she might have turned out a little like Lydia--pretty and precocious and confident. I always enjoyed the stories and the jokes and the magic tricks that she would share when our families got together to throw steaks on the grill. She had bright eyes and a great laugh. Sometimes, I would watch her after school until her parents got home. I would be watching her that afternoon, in fact. And Lydia loved that cat.
I paused for a moment, wondering what the hell I was going to do. Lydia would be home at 3:30. I didn’t look forward to telling her that Snowflake was dead--in fact, I tried to imagine a scenario in which I wouldn’t have to do it at all--but for her to actually see her cat this way would have been devastating. And as I stood at the curb, arms crossed, the situation became even more complicated when I heard Snowflake take a labored, raspy breath. Her chest moved almost imperceptibly. I watched more closely, thinking that I must have imagined it. Her tail was bloody and raw. Pink, bubblegum organs bulged out of the exposed side of her body where the white fur had been torn off. Her legs were flattened, and one was folded up underneath her body. Her mouth was wide open, and her eyes were motionless, barely open. She breathed again.
“Holy fuck,” I said to myself. Or maybe I just thought it. Who knows? I looked at my watch. 3:20. Snowflake breathed once more, then I turned and walked quickly to the garage. I returned in a moment with a shovel, which I used to scoop up Snowflake’s nearly-dead body. I got her on the first try, but she slipped off as I tried to lift her. She was stuck. All the dried blood had plastered her tail to the pavement. I reached down and pinched the tip of her tail between my thumb and forefinger. I looked the other way, then slowly peeled Snowflake’s tail off the street. When the tail had been liberated, I stood again and tried to shovel her back up, but this time couldn’t get her to stay. Instead, I pushed her around the cul-de-sac for a few seconds, much the same way that I sometimes push around that last bite of rice on my plate on nights when Annie decides to make Chinese food. I usually end up trapping the rice with my finger. Here, I used the curb to trap Snowflake, then I slid the shovel beneath her. I extended my arms as far as I could while keeping Snowflake balanced on the shovel, then carried her into my backyard.
I laid the body beside the air conditioner and wiped some sweat from my brow. There was really only one option, but I closed my eyes, searching for alternatives. None came to mind, and I didn’t have time for brainstorming, so I wrapped my hands tightly around the handle of the shovel, lifted it as high as I could, then opened my eyes and drove the edge of it hard into Snowflake’s throat. Her head rolled to one side, but her body stayed put. A split second later, I heard the kind of scream that you brace yourself for at horror movies when the heroine is about to enter the room where the psychopathic killer is hiding. It was Lydia.
I glanced at my watch. 3:28. She was early. I turned and tried to use my body to hide her dead cat. Lydia looked at me with a pitiful combination of confusion and disgust.
“Why did you do that?” she whispered. In her eight-year-old mind, this had been an act of malice rather than compassion. I knelt down.
“Lydia, I want you to listen to me. Snowflake was hit by a car.”
“Liar!” she screamed. “You killed her!” And with that she turned and ran home, sobbing.
You couldn’t blame her. To a perfectly rational adult the situation would have looked suspicious. In fact, Lydia’s misconception was much more logical to her than the truth would have been to almost anyone. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Annie. She answered after two rings.
“Hey you,” she said. She was in a good mood, I could tell. She was always in a good mood after Story Time.
“Um, hey,” I said.
“You sound weird.”
“Yeah, well, something awful happened.”
She paused for a moment. “What is it?”
“Snowflake got hit by a car.”
“Christ, Charlie, you scared the hell out of me. I thought it was your father.”
“No, no. Just Snowflake, but it was pretty bad.”
“Is she dead?”
“Yeah. Now she is. Only she wasn’t when I found her. She was close. Practically dead. And Lydia was on her way home.”
“Okay,” she said, drawing out the second syllable of the word in a confused way.
“So I killed her. Snowflake. I put her out of her misery really.”
“Jesus.”
“I know, but that’s not the worst part. Lydia saw me do it.”
“Shit, Charlie! How the hell did that happen?”
I explained to my wife what had happened. She considered the situation.
“Where is she now?” Annie asked.
“She went home. I don’t know what to do. Do I go try to talk to her?”
She thought about it. “No. I’m sure she’s just crying in her bedroom. Let her be. I’ll be home in ten minutes and I can go try to calm her down. Just clean that shit up for now.”
I told her okay, then ran inside, grabbed a garbage bag, and returned to that spot by the air conditioner. I turned the bag inside-out, the way you do when you’re picking up dog shit, and I lifted Snowflake’s body. It was still warm. Once her body was securely in the bag, I did the same thing with her head, which felt smaller than I thought it would. I cinched the bag and carried it to the edge of the woods that run along our property on the north side. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with the bag that contained Snowflake, but I knew that I couldn’t keep it in our garbage--the smell was already pretty close to unbearable--and I sure as hell wasn’t putting it in my car to take it anywhere, not even in the trunk. So I set it down and began to dig.
It was the end of March, and in Wisconsin, that means that the snow has been reduced to patches here and there. The sun was out--I remember that I wasn’t wearing a jacket--and that meant that the soil was soft, easy to dig. I worked quickly, and it was only a few minutes before I had a hole big enough, I thought, to bury a cat in. I bent down to pick up the bag, and that’s when I heard footsteps. They were squishy--I told you that the ground was soft and wet--and I flinched, thinking that a raccoon or a deer was approaching. Instead, it was Lydia. With a loud grunt, something louder than I would have thought such a sweet girl was capable of, she stabbed me hard in the lower back. I instinctively backhanded her across the face, but it barely fazed her. She got in three more sharp jabs--one more to my lower back and two to my side--before I dropped to one knee. She looked me in the eye, drew back her right hand like a pitcher about to deliver a fastball, and thrust the blade of her mother’s kitchen knife deep into my throat.
It was about this time that Annie parked her car next to mine in our driveway and shut off the engine. I sometimes wonder how long she looked at the splattered blood and the patches of dirty white fur where Snowflake had lain for who knows how long before I found her that afternoon. Did she stand in the street and imagine what happened? Or did she cover her eyes, afraid that her weak stomach wouldn’t be able to handle it? Perhaps she vomited. (But this is unlikely, isn’t it? It was only a dead animal. She had no doubt seen a few on her drive home.) At any rate, she got out of her car and walked to the Martins’ front door, which Lydia had left open. She called out to Lydia, but there was no answer. She walked up to the pink bedroom with the Dora the Explorer bedspread. Also empty, so she went back down the hallway, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. Surely she didn’t notice one missing knife from the block on the new, granite countertop.
She walked to the sliding glass door, and then she screamed, and then she opened the door and sprinted across the lawn to the edge of the woods. She stopped and dropped to her knees with her head in her hands, surveying the scene. There sat Lydia, contentedly petting the headless body of her bloody white cat. And beside the two of them, I was slumped over, my head in a shallow, muddy hole, a knife wedged in my throat. She knelt there for a long time, my wife, watching me closely, just waiting for me to take even one labored, raspy breath.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
joe on rollerblades
I'm actually kind of consumed by other things at the moment, so I will share three quick thoughts:
1. Okay, look. I'm writing what I feel like writing here, and if that occasionally includes things like NBA predictions that you aren't interested in, feel free not to read them. Also, feel free not to make snarky comments about them. By all means.
2. Tomorrow, we will be back to substantial posts with a short story that I've been working on. Joe, you seemed most offended by my basketball post (which you called "gross"), but I believe that the story is right in your wheelhouse.
3. Speaking of Joe, I had a dream last night in which Joe and I were in a carful of otherwise faceless people, traveling down a windy, hilly road. Out of nowhere, Joe says, "Screw this," and jumps out of the car. Moments later, he flies past us on rollerblades, weaving in and out of traffic and pulling way ahead of us. We watch as he jumps over cars that swerve in his direction, does a forward roll into the field on the side of the road before recovering and gliding back onto the road, and performs various other phenomenal stunts. A few minutes later (and a few minutes after Joe), we arrive at a picnic shelter where our father is grilling burgers with Steve Carell. No joke.
Later gators.
1. Okay, look. I'm writing what I feel like writing here, and if that occasionally includes things like NBA predictions that you aren't interested in, feel free not to read them. Also, feel free not to make snarky comments about them. By all means.
2. Tomorrow, we will be back to substantial posts with a short story that I've been working on. Joe, you seemed most offended by my basketball post (which you called "gross"), but I believe that the story is right in your wheelhouse.
3. Speaking of Joe, I had a dream last night in which Joe and I were in a carful of otherwise faceless people, traveling down a windy, hilly road. Out of nowhere, Joe says, "Screw this," and jumps out of the car. Moments later, he flies past us on rollerblades, weaving in and out of traffic and pulling way ahead of us. We watch as he jumps over cars that swerve in his direction, does a forward roll into the field on the side of the road before recovering and gliding back onto the road, and performs various other phenomenal stunts. A few minutes later (and a few minutes after Joe), we arrive at a picnic shelter where our father is grilling burgers with Steve Carell. No joke.
Later gators.
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