This is going to be a hectic week. I make no promises about my diligence as a blogger. I will do my best.
Today, my best consists of 2 poems I wrote in college. The last English class I had to take in college was Senior Portfolio, in which we had to choose half a dozen or so things we'd written in our high school careers for a portfolio. Most of that (i.e. "'I really don't care about the white audiences': Satirization of Western Culture in Thomas King's Green Grass, Running Water") would not interest you. But I put 2 poems in there that I wrote in Creative Writing: Poetry, and they might be good for a laugh. Plus I don't have to do much thinking. So enjoy.
"For Elton John and My Mom"
Dad says a dank, dark garage is no place to spend a Friday night.
He hates Dylan and the Stones. And me.
He doesn't want to hear what we have to say.
There is so much pain in the F sharp minor chord.
He hates Dylan and the Stones. And me.
If he lays one more finger on her, so help me...for the thousandth time.
There is so much pain in the F sharp minor chord.
Is there any music in him at all?
If he lays one more finger on her, so help me...for the thousandth time.
She cries tears of bitterness and fear in the background.
Is there any music in him at all?
Brother is in a basement somewhere high, laughing at his life.
She cries tears of bitterness and fear in the background.
Sister buys a train ticket for somewhere. Anywhere. Freedom.
Brother is in a basement somewhere high, laughing at his life.
Meanwhile, I play "Tiny Dancer" in the garage till morning.
Sister buys a train ticket for somewhere. Anywhere. Freedom.
I remember being six and eating ice cream, watching the ducks swim in Mill Pond.
Meanwhile, I play "Tiny Dancer" in the garage till morning.
The pain, the hate, the rage--what a great song it would make.
I remember being six and eating ice cream, watching the ducks swim in Mill Pond.
He doesn't want to hear what we have to say.
The pain, the hate, the rage--what a great song it would make.
Dad says a dank, dark garage is no place to spend a Friday night.
"The Pen"
Here I sit,
with Morgo and Fauker and Zitty and Tom,
just a hundred feet from crafty pitchers and graceful middle-infielders,
towering fly balls and suicide squeezes,
in the bullpen.
The bullpen smells like a guy who hasn't washed his uniform in four days
chewing a thousand pieces of bubblegum.
The bullpen sounds like chatter and dirty jokes.
Hum, Kid. Ring the bell. You'll do it.
Same stuff
every
single
day.
The bullpen tastes like day-old sunflower seeds,
salty and dry.
Occasionally a splinter of the shell gets stuck in your throat.
The bullpen feels like it looks--
a bunch of tired ballplayers with three-day beards
swimming through the humidity,
anxious when Coach points a bony finger their way.
Get up, Lefty, he'll say.
And Lefty will hop the chain link fence,
deliver a few pitches to the bullpen catcher--
Pop. Pop. POP!
Then he'll jog to the mound to the cheers of a dozen parents
who don't know his name.
And Morgo and Fauker and Zitty and Tom
will sit.
With me.
In the bullpen.
Later gators.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
teacher man mailbag 3
I was reading Bill Simmons recently, and someone pointed out to him that the phrase "mailing it in" is sort of outdated. This person's argument was that, in light of recent technological developments, actually mailing something turns out to be significantly more work than most other methods of communication. You've got to write it out, then you've got to find an envelope and a stamp. Eventually, you need to find a post office or a mailbox. "Mailing it in" is a pain in the ass. So why is it a metaphor for taking the easy way out? Simmons's suggestion was that we replace "mailing it in" with "texting it in."
I have no other ideas, so today I'm doing a mailbag. Today, I'm texting it in.
"Is an exclamation point ever good? And now I have the Reading Rainbow song in my head. Thank you very much." (claire, "teacher man dictionary")
1) It's not exactly good or bad. It's more like a "woah" or a "huh?" Like the other day when a kid wrote that sheep were the "Paris Hiltons of farm animals." It's a statement that makes you take pause, but who am I to argue? 2) Some interesting LaVar Burton trivia: His first name is actually Levardis. He was born in West Germany. He played Martin Luther King, Jr. in Ali. He has participated in the World Poker Tour. He was the strongest link in the Star Trek episode of The Weakest Link. The Oakland Athletics let him play with them during spring training while he was doing the Reading Rainbow episode Dinosaur Bob and His Adventures with the Family Lazardo. Not many other places on the web that you can learn that kind of information.
"This one is my favorite: A BIRTHDAY CARD found in San Francisco, CA: 'Happy 30th kiddo. It gets better and better! Then it gets worse. Dad.' PS - Kelly - I heart Swarley, too!! The look at Robin was awesome. But, I don't really like Stella, so I hope she's not the mother!?!?!" (stacy, "found")
First of all, I don't condone the excessive use of punctuation here, even if you are the kind of doctor that doesn't help people. Second, I thought that my newly-thirty friends would enjoy that one. Third, I haven't seen last week's HIMYM yet, so I can't comment, but I'm sure that Stella's not the mother, and the entire narrative device is starting to irritate me.
STOP: I'm sorry because I'm pausing in the middle of an entry to share what just happened in the computer lab, but this is the sort of thing that needs to be shared. I'm sitting at a computer typing my blog entry. Mr. Phillips's class is in here, ostensibly to do work. Some kid--Carl perhaps--starts scooting around the room in his chair (the kind with wheels). He's leaning back in the goofy way that 2nd-graders often do, and all of a sudden, when everything is silent, he just falls out of his chair onto the ground. Then he gets up, drags his chair back to his computer, sits down, and starts telling the kid next to him how it happened. And this kind of thing happens every single day.
Anyway, the "how I met your mother" element of How I Met Your Mother is wearing thin. I mean, those kids are still wearing the same clothes! Are we to assume that this is one long story that Danny Tanner has been telling them? It's also always been kind of troubling to me the kinds of stories he shares with his kids--that show gets pretty racy at times. Do you think there's going to be a spin-off called How My Dad Scarred Me For Life With Stories Of His Debauched Bachelorhood? Anyway, it's nitpicky stuff because I still love the show, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.
"ps: Check out http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/" (sfoofie, "found")
I do not know who sfoofie is, but she's right. This web site is hilarious. My favorite part so far is the collection of notes people have written about co-workers/etc. stealing their Hot Pockets. An example: "To whom stole the hotpockets! They did not belong to you! By you consuming said hotpockets, you have committed a theft! This shall not be tolerated!"
"I always make my brothers mad by participating in the draft and then proceeding to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the season until one of them calls me mad b/c apparently they offered me some 'trade' weeks previously." (the ben show, "don't forget: i suck at fantasy baseball")
2 things here. 1) You're wrong. Your brothers aren't mad at you because you lose interest in the league. They are mad at you because you have a condescending attitude toward fantasy baseball. Do you know how I know? You put quotation marks around "trade." They offered me some "trade." What the hell is that? A trade is a legitimate part of fantasy baseball. Just because I suck at it doesn't mean I don't respect the sanctity of the game. I'm not sure that you do. 2) I'm excerpting Kelly's blog because I laughed out loud at her Thursday entry this week--it's a conversation between her and her husband Ryan. We begin with Kelly stealing Ryan's laptop while he's doing work:
KELLY: (mumbling) Do you mind if I just see who won?
RYAN: (interrupting) Well, Hillary took Kentucky, but I think Obama's gonna crush her in Oregon.
KELLY: (blushing) Oh...I meant on Dancing With The Stars.
"I think dressing as Dwight was the best one... that, and when he put Dwight's desk in the bathroom, and then Dwight answered the phone." (sara, "top 10 jim halpert pranks")
Okay, so I made a mistake. Virtually every comment I received regarding yesterday's post said that Jim dressing up as Dwight was the best. Then yesterday (in Advanced Comp.!), we watched "Product Recall," and you know what? You're right. I goofed. It's the best. My mistake. Won't happen again.
Enjoy your long weekend, gators.
I have no other ideas, so today I'm doing a mailbag. Today, I'm texting it in.
"Is an exclamation point ever good? And now I have the Reading Rainbow song in my head. Thank you very much." (claire, "teacher man dictionary")
1) It's not exactly good or bad. It's more like a "woah" or a "huh?" Like the other day when a kid wrote that sheep were the "Paris Hiltons of farm animals." It's a statement that makes you take pause, but who am I to argue? 2) Some interesting LaVar Burton trivia: His first name is actually Levardis. He was born in West Germany. He played Martin Luther King, Jr. in Ali. He has participated in the World Poker Tour. He was the strongest link in the Star Trek episode of The Weakest Link. The Oakland Athletics let him play with them during spring training while he was doing the Reading Rainbow episode Dinosaur Bob and His Adventures with the Family Lazardo. Not many other places on the web that you can learn that kind of information.
"This one is my favorite: A BIRTHDAY CARD found in San Francisco, CA: 'Happy 30th kiddo. It gets better and better! Then it gets worse. Dad.' PS - Kelly - I heart Swarley, too!! The look at Robin was awesome. But, I don't really like Stella, so I hope she's not the mother!?!?!" (stacy, "found")
First of all, I don't condone the excessive use of punctuation here, even if you are the kind of doctor that doesn't help people. Second, I thought that my newly-thirty friends would enjoy that one. Third, I haven't seen last week's HIMYM yet, so I can't comment, but I'm sure that Stella's not the mother, and the entire narrative device is starting to irritate me.
STOP: I'm sorry because I'm pausing in the middle of an entry to share what just happened in the computer lab, but this is the sort of thing that needs to be shared. I'm sitting at a computer typing my blog entry. Mr. Phillips's class is in here, ostensibly to do work. Some kid--Carl perhaps--starts scooting around the room in his chair (the kind with wheels). He's leaning back in the goofy way that 2nd-graders often do, and all of a sudden, when everything is silent, he just falls out of his chair onto the ground. Then he gets up, drags his chair back to his computer, sits down, and starts telling the kid next to him how it happened. And this kind of thing happens every single day.
Anyway, the "how I met your mother" element of How I Met Your Mother is wearing thin. I mean, those kids are still wearing the same clothes! Are we to assume that this is one long story that Danny Tanner has been telling them? It's also always been kind of troubling to me the kinds of stories he shares with his kids--that show gets pretty racy at times. Do you think there's going to be a spin-off called How My Dad Scarred Me For Life With Stories Of His Debauched Bachelorhood? Anyway, it's nitpicky stuff because I still love the show, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.
"ps: Check out http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/" (sfoofie, "found")
I do not know who sfoofie is, but she's right. This web site is hilarious. My favorite part so far is the collection of notes people have written about co-workers/etc. stealing their Hot Pockets. An example: "To whom stole the hotpockets! They did not belong to you! By you consuming said hotpockets, you have committed a theft! This shall not be tolerated!"
"I always make my brothers mad by participating in the draft and then proceeding to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the season until one of them calls me mad b/c apparently they offered me some 'trade' weeks previously." (the ben show, "don't forget: i suck at fantasy baseball")
2 things here. 1) You're wrong. Your brothers aren't mad at you because you lose interest in the league. They are mad at you because you have a condescending attitude toward fantasy baseball. Do you know how I know? You put quotation marks around "trade." They offered me some "trade." What the hell is that? A trade is a legitimate part of fantasy baseball. Just because I suck at it doesn't mean I don't respect the sanctity of the game. I'm not sure that you do. 2) I'm excerpting Kelly's blog because I laughed out loud at her Thursday entry this week--it's a conversation between her and her husband Ryan. We begin with Kelly stealing Ryan's laptop while he's doing work:
KELLY: (mumbling) Do you mind if I just see who won?
RYAN: (interrupting) Well, Hillary took Kentucky, but I think Obama's gonna crush her in Oregon.
KELLY: (blushing) Oh...I meant on Dancing With The Stars.
"I think dressing as Dwight was the best one... that, and when he put Dwight's desk in the bathroom, and then Dwight answered the phone." (sara, "top 10 jim halpert pranks")
Okay, so I made a mistake. Virtually every comment I received regarding yesterday's post said that Jim dressing up as Dwight was the best. Then yesterday (in Advanced Comp.!), we watched "Product Recall," and you know what? You're right. I goofed. It's the best. My mistake. Won't happen again.
Enjoy your long weekend, gators.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
top 10 jim halpert pranks
My long lost buddy Claire posed 2 questions in her comments yesterday. The first, I can answer quickly: I have no Orioles on my fantasy baseball team. Why would I? The second is trickier. While she was specifically asking about Jim Halpert's most recent prank on Dwight Schrute on NBC's The Office, the essence of her question was this: What is the best prank Jim ever played on Dwight? Wow. Well, I haven't done a top 10 list in a while, so this seems like a good opportunity. Here goes nothing. To begin, those that didn't quite make the cut:
HONORABLE MENTION: Jim tells Dwight that the Ben Franklin impersonator is "the real Ben Franklin"; Jim convinces Dwight that he has a "tell" at Casino Night; Jim convinces Dwight to explain to the Benihana's waitress how to "butcher a goose"; Jim stares at Dwight's forehead; Jim and Pam convince Dwight that he has "pretendinitis"; Jim submits Dwight's resume to Monster.com, Craigslist, and Google; Jim replaces Dwight's pens and pencils with crayons; Jim plants a bloody glove in Dwight's drawer; Jim convinces Dwight to deliver a Mussolini-like speech when he receives Salesman of the Year; Jim moves Dwight's desk into the men's room; Jim convinces Dwight that he (Jim) is telekinetic; Jim convinces Dwight that he (Jim) is a vampire; Jim trains Dwight to want an Altoid whenever he (Jim) starts his computer
And the final Honorable Mention choice goes to Jim forwarding Dwight's phone to his own--sorry, Claire, but there's just no way it cracks the top 10. But here are those that do--the Top 10 Jim Halpert Pranks of All-Time:
10. Jim gives Dwight Gaydar.
THE EPISODE: "Gay Witch Hunt" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: Michael inadvertently "outs" Oscar, so Michael and Dwight start wondering who else in the office might be gay. (Michael theorizes that Angela and Oscar might be having a gay affair--Jan says that's not possible--Michael says anything is possible.) Dwight calls Jim (in Stamford) because Jim once told him you could get Gaydar at Sharper Image. He claims that it's sold out, but in the final scene of the episode, Dwight gets the gadget in the mail from Jim. We can assume it's a metal detector since it goes off when it passes by Oscar's belt and, shortly thereafter, when it passes by Dwight's belt. Uh-oh.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The great thing about this is that it falls right into Jim's lap and he knows exactly what to do with it. The effort he took in creating the Gaydar is impressive. Dwight's reaction when he sets it off is priceless.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell just by looking at them." (Michael)
9. Jim convinces Dwight it's Friday.
THE EPISODE: "Performance Review" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: On some random Thursday, Dwight is, for whatever reason, convinced that it's Friday. So Jim goes with it. Dwight can't figure out why he went out drinking with his laser tag friends on a Thursday night, and he's furious that he missed The Apprentice.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: In large part because of the final scene when Dwight runs into the office, his shirt untucked and his hair mussed, finally realizing that it's a work day.
MEMORABLE LINE: "It's Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon." (Jim)
8. Jim puts Dwight's stapler in Jell-O.
THE EPISODE: "The Pilot" (Season 1)
THE PRANK: Jim puts Dwight's stapler in Jell-O. That's about it. We're led to believe it's happened several times before.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Because it's a classic. It's repeated with Andy when Jim goes to Stamford, but when you think of Jim and Dwight, you think of the stapler in Jell-O.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Dwight, I'm sorry because I've always been your biggest flan." (Jim)
7. Jim fills Dwight's handset with nickels.
THE EPISODE: "Conflict Resolution" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: When Michael is trying to resolve years' worth of conflicts between Jim and Dwight, Jim explains that he would add a couple of nickels to Dwight's handset every day until he got used to the weight, at which point he removed all of the nickels and, we assume, Dwight clocked himself with the new, seemingly-light receiver.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: While we don't actually see it happen, the image of Dwight taking a telephone receiver to the side of the head is very funny. And I think everyone now wants to try it and see if it would work. I do anyway.
MEMORABLE LINE: "That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!" (Dwight)
6. Jim (with help from Pam) sends Dwight classified letters from the CIA.
THE EPISODE: "A Benihana Christmas" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: It starts with Pam sending Dwight the letters, then she hands it off to Jim, who notifies Dwight that the CIA needs him at their Langley headquarters for training and an ice cream social with the other agents. Dwight waits for the helicopter on the roof until he gets a text message telling him to abort because the mission has been compromised.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Excellent commitment to the prank from both Jim and Pam. Outstanding example of teamwork. And the finishing touch--convincing Dwight to "destroy" his phone by throwing it off the building--is spectacular.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Last year my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really he was leaving early to go to magic camp." (Jim reading Dwight's secrets)
5. Jim does nothing with Dwight's wallet.
THE EPISODE: "Office Olympics" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: Jim finds Dwight's wallet in the parking lot and brings it to Pam because he can't decide what to do with it. After going through a variety of possibilities, they decide to return it to him untouched. Dwight, however, is suspicious and immediately cancels all of his credit cards.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The brilliant simplicity. Like the classic Seinfeld episode in which Jerry's girlfriend just tells him that she put "something" of his in the toilet, Jim lets Dwight's imagination do the work for him.
MEMORABLE LINE: "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do." (Jim)
4. Jim dresses as Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "Product Recall" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: Jim sees a pair of glasses like the ones Dwight wears at the drugstore for $4. He buys a short-sleeved shirt and tie that look like something Dwight would wear for $7, and he wears them to work. "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Maybe the best laugh-out-loud prank of all-time.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!" (Dwight)
3. Jim sends faxes from Future Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "Branch Closing" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: When Jim heads to Stamford, he steals some of Dwight's stationery and sends Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Because Dwight sprints across the room and knocks Stanley's coffee cup out of his hand before he can drink it. That was awesome.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Dwight: At 8 AM today, someone poisons the coffee. Do NOT drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight." (Jim's fax to Dwight)
2. Jim forms an alliance with Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "The Alliance" (Season 1)
THE PRANK: Talk of downsizing makes Dwight nervous, so he approaches Jim to form an alliance. Jim agrees. In the prank's climax, Jim and Pam convince Dwight to hide in a box in the warehouse in hopes of overhearing a secret conversation.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The prank concludes when Dwight emerges from the box as Roy watches, confused. Excellent pay-off.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No. I think, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me." (Dwight)
1. Jim puts Dwight's stuff in the vending machine.
THE EPISODE: "Booze Cruise" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: Jim is friendly with the vending machine guy, so when he comes to stock the machine, Jim convinces him to put some of Dwight's stuff--a pencil cup, a stapler, Dwight's wallet, etc.--in place of the typical fare.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: It makes the list because it's awesome, but it's #1 because it concludes with Jim and Pam handing him a bag of nickels with which to buy back his stuff. It keeps the prank from being mean-spirited without taking any of the edge off. Brilliant.
MEMORABLE LINE: "What do I want, what do I want? Ooh. Pencil cup." (Pam)
So there you have it. Discussion?
Later gators.
HONORABLE MENTION: Jim tells Dwight that the Ben Franklin impersonator is "the real Ben Franklin"; Jim convinces Dwight that he has a "tell" at Casino Night; Jim convinces Dwight to explain to the Benihana's waitress how to "butcher a goose"; Jim stares at Dwight's forehead; Jim and Pam convince Dwight that he has "pretendinitis"; Jim submits Dwight's resume to Monster.com, Craigslist, and Google; Jim replaces Dwight's pens and pencils with crayons; Jim plants a bloody glove in Dwight's drawer; Jim convinces Dwight to deliver a Mussolini-like speech when he receives Salesman of the Year; Jim moves Dwight's desk into the men's room; Jim convinces Dwight that he (Jim) is telekinetic; Jim convinces Dwight that he (Jim) is a vampire; Jim trains Dwight to want an Altoid whenever he (Jim) starts his computer
And the final Honorable Mention choice goes to Jim forwarding Dwight's phone to his own--sorry, Claire, but there's just no way it cracks the top 10. But here are those that do--the Top 10 Jim Halpert Pranks of All-Time:
10. Jim gives Dwight Gaydar.
THE EPISODE: "Gay Witch Hunt" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: Michael inadvertently "outs" Oscar, so Michael and Dwight start wondering who else in the office might be gay. (Michael theorizes that Angela and Oscar might be having a gay affair--Jan says that's not possible--Michael says anything is possible.) Dwight calls Jim (in Stamford) because Jim once told him you could get Gaydar at Sharper Image. He claims that it's sold out, but in the final scene of the episode, Dwight gets the gadget in the mail from Jim. We can assume it's a metal detector since it goes off when it passes by Oscar's belt and, shortly thereafter, when it passes by Dwight's belt. Uh-oh.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The great thing about this is that it falls right into Jim's lap and he knows exactly what to do with it. The effort he took in creating the Gaydar is impressive. Dwight's reaction when he sets it off is priceless.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell just by looking at them." (Michael)
9. Jim convinces Dwight it's Friday.
THE EPISODE: "Performance Review" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: On some random Thursday, Dwight is, for whatever reason, convinced that it's Friday. So Jim goes with it. Dwight can't figure out why he went out drinking with his laser tag friends on a Thursday night, and he's furious that he missed The Apprentice.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: In large part because of the final scene when Dwight runs into the office, his shirt untucked and his hair mussed, finally realizing that it's a work day.
MEMORABLE LINE: "It's Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon." (Jim)
8. Jim puts Dwight's stapler in Jell-O.
THE EPISODE: "The Pilot" (Season 1)
THE PRANK: Jim puts Dwight's stapler in Jell-O. That's about it. We're led to believe it's happened several times before.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Because it's a classic. It's repeated with Andy when Jim goes to Stamford, but when you think of Jim and Dwight, you think of the stapler in Jell-O.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Dwight, I'm sorry because I've always been your biggest flan." (Jim)
7. Jim fills Dwight's handset with nickels.
THE EPISODE: "Conflict Resolution" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: When Michael is trying to resolve years' worth of conflicts between Jim and Dwight, Jim explains that he would add a couple of nickels to Dwight's handset every day until he got used to the weight, at which point he removed all of the nickels and, we assume, Dwight clocked himself with the new, seemingly-light receiver.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: While we don't actually see it happen, the image of Dwight taking a telephone receiver to the side of the head is very funny. And I think everyone now wants to try it and see if it would work. I do anyway.
MEMORABLE LINE: "That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!" (Dwight)
6. Jim (with help from Pam) sends Dwight classified letters from the CIA.
THE EPISODE: "A Benihana Christmas" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: It starts with Pam sending Dwight the letters, then she hands it off to Jim, who notifies Dwight that the CIA needs him at their Langley headquarters for training and an ice cream social with the other agents. Dwight waits for the helicopter on the roof until he gets a text message telling him to abort because the mission has been compromised.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Excellent commitment to the prank from both Jim and Pam. Outstanding example of teamwork. And the finishing touch--convincing Dwight to "destroy" his phone by throwing it off the building--is spectacular.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Last year my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really he was leaving early to go to magic camp." (Jim reading Dwight's secrets)
5. Jim does nothing with Dwight's wallet.
THE EPISODE: "Office Olympics" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: Jim finds Dwight's wallet in the parking lot and brings it to Pam because he can't decide what to do with it. After going through a variety of possibilities, they decide to return it to him untouched. Dwight, however, is suspicious and immediately cancels all of his credit cards.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The brilliant simplicity. Like the classic Seinfeld episode in which Jerry's girlfriend just tells him that she put "something" of his in the toilet, Jim lets Dwight's imagination do the work for him.
MEMORABLE LINE: "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do." (Jim)
4. Jim dresses as Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "Product Recall" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: Jim sees a pair of glasses like the ones Dwight wears at the drugstore for $4. He buys a short-sleeved shirt and tie that look like something Dwight would wear for $7, and he wears them to work. "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Maybe the best laugh-out-loud prank of all-time.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!" (Dwight)
3. Jim sends faxes from Future Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "Branch Closing" (Season 3)
THE PRANK: When Jim heads to Stamford, he steals some of Dwight's stationery and sends Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: Because Dwight sprints across the room and knocks Stanley's coffee cup out of his hand before he can drink it. That was awesome.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Dwight: At 8 AM today, someone poisons the coffee. Do NOT drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight." (Jim's fax to Dwight)
2. Jim forms an alliance with Dwight.
THE EPISODE: "The Alliance" (Season 1)
THE PRANK: Talk of downsizing makes Dwight nervous, so he approaches Jim to form an alliance. Jim agrees. In the prank's climax, Jim and Pam convince Dwight to hide in a box in the warehouse in hopes of overhearing a secret conversation.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: The prank concludes when Dwight emerges from the box as Roy watches, confused. Excellent pay-off.
MEMORABLE LINE: "Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No. I think, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me." (Dwight)
1. Jim puts Dwight's stuff in the vending machine.
THE EPISODE: "Booze Cruise" (Season 2)
THE PRANK: Jim is friendly with the vending machine guy, so when he comes to stock the machine, Jim convinces him to put some of Dwight's stuff--a pencil cup, a stapler, Dwight's wallet, etc.--in place of the typical fare.
WHY IT MAKES THE LIST: It makes the list because it's awesome, but it's #1 because it concludes with Jim and Pam handing him a bag of nickels with which to buy back his stuff. It keeps the prank from being mean-spirited without taking any of the edge off. Brilliant.
MEMORABLE LINE: "What do I want, what do I want? Ooh. Pencil cup." (Pam)
So there you have it. Discussion?
Later gators.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
don't forget: i suck at fantasy baseball
Most fantasy baseball experts agree that you can't really tell what you've got as a fantasy baseball owner until 6 weeks into the season. Well, we are now just over 6 weeks into the season, and I still don't know what I've got because I don't know anything about fantasy baseball. However, I thought it would be a good time to give you a run-down on my team and my season so far. So without further ado, a look at the papelboners:
TEAM NAME: the papelboners
It was a lucky break that I was able to snag Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon in the 7th round because I'd had this team name in mind for quite some time. As an added plus, JP's got 13 saves and a 2.45 ERA on the season. I'd have taken him anyway.
THE LEAGUE: Get Off the Shed!!!
An obvious reference to the Will Ferrel SNL sketch in which he seems to be a mild-mannered suburbanite grilling hot dogs for a neighborhood barbecue, then flips out because his kids keep climbing on the shed. Good times.
CURRENT STANDINGS: 5th place
There are 8 teams composed of college buddies--mostly baseball players. For one day, I was in first (because I have a bunch of Red Sox and they played before anyone else). It was the greatest day of my life. I will not get higher than 5th.
BEST PLAYER: Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox
Ironically, the guy who's performed the best for me is one that I didn't even draft--I picked him up off the waiver wire a week into the season. Regardless, he's hitting .328 with 9 HR's and 34 RBI's. That's solid.
WORST PLAYER: Nick Swisher, Chicago White Sox
He may get better, but right now he's hitting .208. Doesn't matter--I picked him up in a trade with Luke Hagel and I mostly just wanted Cliff Lee, the stud pitcher for Cleveland that nobody can hit.
BEST DRAFT PICK: Magglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers
This isn't the same as my best player, not only because I didn't draft Youkilis, but because we're talking about value for the round in which he was drafted. For example, my top pick should be really good (we'll talk about that in a minute), but I got Ordonez in the 6th round--that means over 40 players had already been drafted--and he's hitting .312 with 7 HR's and 24 RBI's. Second place goes to my 10th-round pick, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera.
WORST DRAFT PICK: Jose Reyes, New York Mets
My #1 pick--the 2nd pick overall--is hitting .270. He has a lot of stolen bases--12--but he's average in everything else. He's not horrible, but I could have had anyone except A-Rod, and there are a lot of players playing much better than JR.
BEST MESSAGE BOARD COMMENT INVOLVING ME: "Baker is the gift that keeps on giving," Chuck Saponara
My buddy Chuck said this because I kept dropping guys that, evidently, I should have kept. How am I supposed to know? I don't even watch baseball.
PREDICTIONS FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON: 1) I'll finish second-to-last. 2) I will make a trade that will make everyone in my league furious because they think I'm throwing the season when I'm really just underinformed. 3) I'll forget that I have a team in that league around mid-August. 4) Next year, I'll do all of these things again. (Maybe I'll finish in dead last, though.)
So there you have it. I love fantasy baseball.
Later gators.
TEAM NAME: the papelboners
It was a lucky break that I was able to snag Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon in the 7th round because I'd had this team name in mind for quite some time. As an added plus, JP's got 13 saves and a 2.45 ERA on the season. I'd have taken him anyway.
THE LEAGUE: Get Off the Shed!!!
An obvious reference to the Will Ferrel SNL sketch in which he seems to be a mild-mannered suburbanite grilling hot dogs for a neighborhood barbecue, then flips out because his kids keep climbing on the shed. Good times.
CURRENT STANDINGS: 5th place
There are 8 teams composed of college buddies--mostly baseball players. For one day, I was in first (because I have a bunch of Red Sox and they played before anyone else). It was the greatest day of my life. I will not get higher than 5th.
BEST PLAYER: Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox
Ironically, the guy who's performed the best for me is one that I didn't even draft--I picked him up off the waiver wire a week into the season. Regardless, he's hitting .328 with 9 HR's and 34 RBI's. That's solid.
WORST PLAYER: Nick Swisher, Chicago White Sox
He may get better, but right now he's hitting .208. Doesn't matter--I picked him up in a trade with Luke Hagel and I mostly just wanted Cliff Lee, the stud pitcher for Cleveland that nobody can hit.
BEST DRAFT PICK: Magglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers
This isn't the same as my best player, not only because I didn't draft Youkilis, but because we're talking about value for the round in which he was drafted. For example, my top pick should be really good (we'll talk about that in a minute), but I got Ordonez in the 6th round--that means over 40 players had already been drafted--and he's hitting .312 with 7 HR's and 24 RBI's. Second place goes to my 10th-round pick, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera.
WORST DRAFT PICK: Jose Reyes, New York Mets
My #1 pick--the 2nd pick overall--is hitting .270. He has a lot of stolen bases--12--but he's average in everything else. He's not horrible, but I could have had anyone except A-Rod, and there are a lot of players playing much better than JR.
BEST MESSAGE BOARD COMMENT INVOLVING ME: "Baker is the gift that keeps on giving," Chuck Saponara
My buddy Chuck said this because I kept dropping guys that, evidently, I should have kept. How am I supposed to know? I don't even watch baseball.
PREDICTIONS FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON: 1) I'll finish second-to-last. 2) I will make a trade that will make everyone in my league furious because they think I'm throwing the season when I'm really just underinformed. 3) I'll forget that I have a team in that league around mid-August. 4) Next year, I'll do all of these things again. (Maybe I'll finish in dead last, though.)
So there you have it. I love fantasy baseball.
Later gators.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
found
It has been well-documented in this very blog that students have a remarkable capacity to act like jackasses, and there is perhaps no place where this is more apparent than the library. For reasons that remain unclear to me, students are allowed to sign in to the library during study halls, regardless of whether they actually need to be in the library. As a result, a lot of loud, obnoxious kids gather at the center tables every hour to see how much they can talk without getting in serious trouble. It's a very academic environment. In an effort to combat the noise (and general idiocy), the librarians have put together a collection of "Selections for the Terminally Bored" on one of the shelves. The other day, I finished grading papers while my Advanced Comp. kids were in the library computer lab, so I strolled over to check it out, thinking I'd spend the last 15 minutes of class reading The Far Side or looking for Waldo. But I found something else.
Even though I've been warned not to, I judged this coffee table-type book by its cover, making note of the bright colors and quotes, such as "A great book" (David Letterman) and "It will break your heart" (David Sedaris). The book was called Found. I don't want to overexaggerate here, but I think it's the most brilliant thing I've ever held in my hands. Here's the story:
The author (editor?), Davy Rothbart, tells a story about one night when he was visiting a friend. He left to find a note under his windshield wiper that read, "Mario, I f***ing hate you. You said you had to work then whys your car HERE at HER place?? You're a f***ing LIAR. I hate you I f***ing hate you. Amber. PS Page me later." Point of clarification: Davy is not Mario. Amber had made a mistake. But it got Davy to thinking about all of the random notes/letters/pictures/etc. that you come across on the street/left on computer lab printers/in school hallways/etc. So he decided to collect them and put them into a book. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the book that we have in our library is the second collection, based mostly on things that avid readers of his magazine (here's the web site) sent in. Again, there's basically no context for any of this stuff, but I think that adds to the allure. Here are some examples (disregard grammatical/spelling/etc. errors--everything here is word for word, letter for letter):
A WILL found in Chicago, IL: "I, Al Burian, being of reasonably sound mind and body, do hereby deliver my last will and testament, on this morning of November 3, 2001. Should I die under circumstances other than the total collapse of civilization, i.e., if it's at all possible to arrange a funeral, I would like it to happen in the following manner: I'd prefer to be cremated, then have my remains laid into the earth in a ceremony where 'Another one bites the dust' by Queen plays over a public address system. That should put people in a jovial mood and hopefully a good party will follow. Signed, Al Burian."
A NOTE found in Las Cruces, NM: "Love you Dad. Get job. Just joking."
A FATHER'S DAY CARD found in Delton, WI: "Happy Fathers day to you, even though you told me I couldn't cook and the pie I made sucked."
A NOTE found in Ann Arbor, MI: "Here is a Free Ticket to the Thursday, Jan 22nd performance of EMU's gritty drama, In the Blood. We hope you can attend and enjoy the show! Sincerely, Billy, Angela, Dave, Misty, and Chris...and Jesus."
A LETTER found in Gainesville, FL: "Dear Mrs. Dionne, I am so, so sorry about your husband. I want you to know that it was not my fault. I left Dragon's Tongue. Nick Trenkle and Dom Walbridge did most of what was done. Andy is a great photographer. I saw you at the trial, and I wanted so terribly much to say something to you. To tell you how sorry I was. How sorry I am. I am so, so sorry. Sincerely, Mike Mcafee."
A NOTE found on the door of a store in Sebago, ME: "Today is my grandmothers 100 birthday AND There is a raccoon in my bathroom. Will open at 3 p.m. Thanks."
A LETTER found in Chicago, IL: "Mike, I have lost the will to write, act, compose, create. Have a nice day. Mitch."
A TO-DO LIST found in Los Angeles, CA: "1) Pray to God for guidance. 2) Find local cat for blood sacrifice...3) Kick dog for recent barking...7) Untie the neighbors. 8) Talk it over with them...9) Thaw out chicken in freezer. 10) Call Manny for recipe--chicken pot pie??"
A BIRTHDAY CARD found in San Francisco, CA: "Happy 30th kiddo. It gets better and better! Then it gets worse. Dad."
A NOTE found beneath the covers of a motel bed in Latham, NY: "If this is still here, they didn't make the bed after I slept in it. Yuck."
A HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT found in Sacramento, CA (NOTE: We don't know the questions--only the answers): "1) I would name my twins Mickey and Miney. 2) Hell no, I mean if your gonna control the U.S. armed forces then you have to be born and raised here in the U.S. 3) The book would be about the ghettos of the world and the title would be 'The ghettos of the world.' 4) Set my arms on fire using rubbing alcohol or spitting flames using rubbing alcohol. 5) Nothing at all. 6) I love you God, Jesus saved me."
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Some of it's funny (a collection of fan mail to Adam Sandler), some of it's sad (a couple of suicide notes), and some of it's terrifying ("There are two children buried under a home located in Long Beach!"). But it's gripping from beginning to end. I'm asking for the first one for the next holiday for which it's acceptable for me to ask for gifts. Possibly Memorial Day.
Later gators.
Even though I've been warned not to, I judged this coffee table-type book by its cover, making note of the bright colors and quotes, such as "A great book" (David Letterman) and "It will break your heart" (David Sedaris). The book was called Found. I don't want to overexaggerate here, but I think it's the most brilliant thing I've ever held in my hands. Here's the story:
The author (editor?), Davy Rothbart, tells a story about one night when he was visiting a friend. He left to find a note under his windshield wiper that read, "Mario, I f***ing hate you. You said you had to work then whys your car HERE at HER place?? You're a f***ing LIAR. I hate you I f***ing hate you. Amber. PS Page me later." Point of clarification: Davy is not Mario. Amber had made a mistake. But it got Davy to thinking about all of the random notes/letters/pictures/etc. that you come across on the street/left on computer lab printers/in school hallways/etc. So he decided to collect them and put them into a book. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the book that we have in our library is the second collection, based mostly on things that avid readers of his magazine (here's the web site) sent in. Again, there's basically no context for any of this stuff, but I think that adds to the allure. Here are some examples (disregard grammatical/spelling/etc. errors--everything here is word for word, letter for letter):
A WILL found in Chicago, IL: "I, Al Burian, being of reasonably sound mind and body, do hereby deliver my last will and testament, on this morning of November 3, 2001. Should I die under circumstances other than the total collapse of civilization, i.e., if it's at all possible to arrange a funeral, I would like it to happen in the following manner: I'd prefer to be cremated, then have my remains laid into the earth in a ceremony where 'Another one bites the dust' by Queen plays over a public address system. That should put people in a jovial mood and hopefully a good party will follow. Signed, Al Burian."
A NOTE found in Las Cruces, NM: "Love you Dad. Get job. Just joking."
A FATHER'S DAY CARD found in Delton, WI: "Happy Fathers day to you, even though you told me I couldn't cook and the pie I made sucked."
A NOTE found in Ann Arbor, MI: "Here is a Free Ticket to the Thursday, Jan 22nd performance of EMU's gritty drama, In the Blood. We hope you can attend and enjoy the show! Sincerely, Billy, Angela, Dave, Misty, and Chris...and Jesus."
A LETTER found in Gainesville, FL: "Dear Mrs. Dionne, I am so, so sorry about your husband. I want you to know that it was not my fault. I left Dragon's Tongue. Nick Trenkle and Dom Walbridge did most of what was done. Andy is a great photographer. I saw you at the trial, and I wanted so terribly much to say something to you. To tell you how sorry I was. How sorry I am. I am so, so sorry. Sincerely, Mike Mcafee."
A NOTE found on the door of a store in Sebago, ME: "Today is my grandmothers 100 birthday AND There is a raccoon in my bathroom. Will open at 3 p.m. Thanks."
A LETTER found in Chicago, IL: "Mike, I have lost the will to write, act, compose, create. Have a nice day. Mitch."
A TO-DO LIST found in Los Angeles, CA: "1) Pray to God for guidance. 2) Find local cat for blood sacrifice...3) Kick dog for recent barking...7) Untie the neighbors. 8) Talk it over with them...9) Thaw out chicken in freezer. 10) Call Manny for recipe--chicken pot pie??"
A BIRTHDAY CARD found in San Francisco, CA: "Happy 30th kiddo. It gets better and better! Then it gets worse. Dad."
A NOTE found beneath the covers of a motel bed in Latham, NY: "If this is still here, they didn't make the bed after I slept in it. Yuck."
A HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT found in Sacramento, CA (NOTE: We don't know the questions--only the answers): "1) I would name my twins Mickey and Miney. 2) Hell no, I mean if your gonna control the U.S. armed forces then you have to be born and raised here in the U.S. 3) The book would be about the ghettos of the world and the title would be 'The ghettos of the world.' 4) Set my arms on fire using rubbing alcohol or spitting flames using rubbing alcohol. 5) Nothing at all. 6) I love you God, Jesus saved me."
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Some of it's funny (a collection of fan mail to Adam Sandler), some of it's sad (a couple of suicide notes), and some of it's terrifying ("There are two children buried under a home located in Long Beach!"). But it's gripping from beginning to end. I'm asking for the first one for the next holiday for which it's acceptable for me to ask for gifts. Possibly Memorial Day.
Later gators.
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