guac, stock, and barrel

So here are four things that need to happen immediately:

First, guacamole needs to take its place alongside ketchup and mustard as an everyday condiment. Here's what you need to do: Go to Red Robin. (Any similar restaurant -- TGIFriday's, Chili's, etc. -- will probably work.) Order a mushroom and Swiss burger, but ask them to put guacamole on it. They'll willingly oblige. Then get a side order for your fries. It's so good, you'll cry. But every time I do this, people say things like, "Hmmm. That's interesting." Then they get their lame burgers and go home with no idea how much better their meals could have been. And it's true of almost anything -- burgers, fries, brats, chips, chicken, vegetables -- there's almost nothing that isn't improved with a little guac. I won't rest until this happens.

Second, women need to stop wearing the following: tennis shoes with dresses; those tank tops with a strap over one shoulder and no strap over the other; anything with cartoon characters on it once they’ve turned 13; jeans under their dresses; most hats; high-waisted jeans; and t-shirts with stuff like Princess and Daddy's Girl on them.

Third, all t-shirts and underwear need to be tagless. There are a few companies -- Hanes is one -- that have started printing all the stuff that's usually on the tag right on the t-shirt, and it's just brilliant. No more scratchy tag or tag hanging out of your shirt. Who are these companies that are refusing to take this step? Reminds me of people who don't have e-mail addresses or something. It is CLEARLY better technology -- who would choose not to use it?

Fourth, cell phone companies and copier companies need to take a step back. Let's start with cell phones. What I want from my cell phone is pretty simple: I want to be able to make or receive a phone call, talk to that person until I'm done, then hang up. That's what I really want. Now, I'm able to watch movies, take pictures, check my fantasy football team, etc., etc., etc. with my phone, but I still lose calls all the time. Why did those companies decide that they had already conquered the original technology and were ready to move forward? Same with photocopiers. This guy comes to work the other day to show us how we can make little books, or change the size of things, or send documents from our computers directly to the machine, but every time I try to make a normal copy the stupd thing gets jammed. Quit trying to run before you can walk, fellas.

Later gators.