Is this self-indulgent? Maybe. Anyway, without further ado, the lies...
If you look closely, you can see me in the background during the tour bus scene of the Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston movie The Break-Up, which was shot in Chicago.
Nope. You can't. I think I did see the movie being filmed one day while we were in Chicago, but I'm pretty sure I'm not in it. I did talk to Rick Reilly on the phone, and I did see Kenny C. in a Nashville Subway--check out top 10 celebrity encounters for more details.
HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS
I was an all-conference football player in high school.
If you know anything about my high school football experience, this one made you laugh. In 2 years of JV and 3 years of varsity (I played both as a sophomore), we won a grand total of 3 games. We were routinely on the losing end of games that ended with scores like 54-6 and 63-0. If Mike Hinske would have nominated me for all-conference, he would have been laughed out of the meeting.
HOLIDAYS & OBSERVANCES
I spent my 21st birthday alone in my dorm room studying for an Environmental Studies exam.
I actually spent my 21st birthday singing in Carrie Volp's wedding. I might have had a beer from a plastic cup at the reception. Not exactly a crazy story, but better than this fabrication.
I played the minor role of Pentheus, the King of Thebes, in a college production of The Bakkhai.
Did I fool some of you? I was indeed in The Bakkhai. However, I played the smallest part in the play: Guard. Pentheus was a big part and they wouldn't have let me touch it with a 10-foot scepter.
MOVIES & TELEVISION
I have never seen a full episode of Seinfeld.
Of course I have, you nitwits. You mostly know about the Jersey Girl incident, but I bet you were hoping that I wasn't a Mad About You fan. Well, sorry to disppoint. I think I watched that show about 4 times a day when I was in high school. High school! (I do feel less bad about this after reading that MENSA chose MAY as one of the 10 smartest shows of all-time. Seriously.)
I spilled ravioli on my white shirt during my first date with my wife.
Wrong. I wore a red shirt, and I ate shrimp alfredo. She wore a red and white checkered shirt and ate Caesar salad. We ate at the Goose Blind. I got her daisies. We watched Murder in the First. Impressive, eh?
JUNE 21, 2003
I didn't eat anything on the day of our wedding.
Very close to being true, but not quite. I didn't anything prior to the wedding, which is why I spent the wedding reception feeling like I was going to pass out or die. However, I had a handful of popcorn and a bite of a cookie on the way from the church to the hotel. And about 8 bottles of Dasani during the reception. I just made it.
I graduated suma cum laude from Ripon College.
I graduated magna cum laude. And I'm bitter to this day because I didn't get into Phi Beta Kappa. It's a stupid society full of a bunch of snotty, pretentious, self-important losers. (Sorry, dear.)
I lost $250 on a gambling web site after betting on the Chicago Bears to cover the spread in last year's Super Bowl.
Anyone who thought this was true has no idea how terrified I am of my wife.
My son can consistently count from 1 to 10.
First, to clear up the other 2: One day Charlie fell down or something, and he came over to me to get a hug. So I said, "Oh no! Is Charlie sad?" And I tickled him or something, and he thought it was funny, so he kept saying, "Charlie sad!" so I would keep doing it. Later, we were watching basketball--as I've told you before, the only things my son will watch are Sesame Street, VeggieTales, and college basketball--and I said, "Look, it's Chris Paul." So he said, "Chris Paul sad!" And I thought that was pretty funny. So he did it again with Lebron James, then Michael Redd, then Tyler Hansborough. And now he does it with all of the basketball players he knows. Also, his friend Tiffany's mother--Wendy--is from China, and when they were there last, they got him the vest. He wore it on Sunday, and he looked awesome. However, he usually counts like this: "1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10." And sometimes he gets real excited and it's more like this: "1, 2, 4, 7, w, x, y, z!" But he's 2, so give him a break, for crying out loud.